Hitting snooze and a year of being genderqueer

And so just like that, I let another month pass.

I guess I did it intentionally this time. I let the days slip by because I wanted to see what was important to remember and what was not. I have started to worry less about certain things. Whether that is the citalopram or finally realising that all my thoughts, all this egoistic intertwining and mulling and chewing over and over and over everything does not mean a damn and it does not serve me either. If, really, there is only oblivion, if we are alone. If God is a construct, if we're just floating around on this planet what I think, what you think, what anyone thinks does not make a damn bit of difference in the long run.

I no longer feel guilty for being gay. I no longer care what people think about me being queer. I no longer worry if I have caught HIV even though I'm on PrEP and wear a condom or ask lovers to wear condoms. In fact, I let someone cum inside me.

Last weekend I took a crap load of MDMA two days in a row and I didn't feel guilty. I didn't feel sad and I didn't really get a comedown. In fact, I felt good. Something being 'bad' or ;good; is a value judgement and I don't know where those values come from anymore, or whether they are valid.

Some things are only useful to you right now. The way you feel, your job, money. Some things you can give that are useful to other people and I guess in many ways these are some of the best things.

I find myself less able to get angry. I check myself when I'm getting anxious. These are positive things.

I have started dating again: I went out with a 'Peckham geez' 2 weeks ago called Charlie and I fuked some guy from my work name, funnily, Guy the weekend before last.

My birthday happened, which was a depraved affair with pills, cocaine and Daniel's flat.

Daniel and I have become close. Perhaps out of necessity for him rather than for me. But in a strange and weird karmic pattern I find now that people are relying on me for help, and it is my turn to help them. I feel like in the past I have relied so much and so heavily on my friends that now I am able to return the favour. In many ways I am grateful I could have such a turn to do this: I've always been the needy one, but as my resolve gets stronger and my inner peace gets greater, I can be the rock.

I went to a 50th birthday party on Saturday and bumped into a friend, Fraser, and his friend's friend Carlie. I was in full make up and she said, my look wasn't outrageous, it was 'just cool'. And that made me feel that maybe showing these pieces of who I really am will pay off eventually.

Still inside, I feel there needs to be a change. Maybe moving to a different city, starting a new career.

But most of all I think having the courage to be myself will be the first step on the road to a wonderful story. Make up, kitten heels, Paul Smith and all.

Leaving Madrid and a temporary housemate

The Friday turned out to be a very productive day. I toured the Plaza De Mayor, went to the Palace of Madrid and strolled through Retiro Park. Inside there was a crystal palace with an exhibition of sculptures. Recently I've been trying to take pictures of people looking at art, so I tried to get snaps of people interacting with sculptures. One thing I've noticed is that the Spaniards are very serious about not touching or photographing art!

I had menu of the day at another cafe, which ended up being a delicious carrot soup with goat's cheese followed by steak and two pints of beer. I read more of East of Eden before going back to the hotel and having a sleep.

I ventured out for a 'pre-drink' cocktail and had a gin martini at this antiques shop turned cocktail bar then went to a bar crawl hosted by a guy named Paul. There I met two Chinese people 'Ee' and 'One-tee', an american couple called Arthur and Sam, and a girl from Uruguay called Virginia. We went to a cocktail bar and I felt like I was leading the conversation, where Paul tried to talk about history. The same was true of when he took us to the oldest bar in the area and we had vermouth and soda. The most exciting thing we did was go to a drag bar where we saw some spanish drag. I had no idea what they were saying and I hid at the back. THEN we went to a bar called Why Not? They played disco and 80s, and of course I couldn't help but throw myself into some dane moves, which then started Arthur, which then started everyone else. It was so much fun.

When they left, everyone hung around so I just invited everyone back. I ordered pizza but surprisingly it never came. Then everyone left around 3am, but the pizza arrived. I woofed down a few slices before going to sleep.

On Saturday I decided not to do anything but roam around Malasañas looking at clothes and going to bars. I popped in and out of my house before deciding to have a sandwich at a local bar and doing a self-help exercise of writing down my limiting subconscious beliefs and overturning them with a 'new story'

I decided to stay in on Saturday evening and drank a bottle of wine, spoke to my mum on the phone and bitched about my sister's boyfriend before ordering sushi and going to sleep.

I had a plane to catch at 8.50am the next day, so I woke up at 6.30, packed my stuff and left. I was releived to be going back so early, but the night before when I was deep in thought about cosmology and the nature of the universe, my friend Andy texted me and said he was homeless. AGAIN. So I told him to come stay at my place.

When I touched down at 10.10am, he said he would come round that afternoon. So I hurried home to Woolwich and – literally – painted my nails. As soon as I did it, I found like I had discovered 'the missing element'. I've never been good at painting my own nails but as soon as I saw them silvery-white I thought... This kind of fits. I waited around for Andy but he didn't arrive until around 5.45pm (after telling me he would leave at 2.50pm). We went for a drink at the Equitable and shared stories. I got upset about my life. Sometimes when  verbalise things out loud, I realise just how messed up my head is at the moment.

We drank a lot, came home, watched Dragula and ate a spaghetti bolognese I made. Then I drank another bottle of red wine to delay the inevitability of work tomorrow. I think I talked a load of crap to Andy - I can't really remember what I said now.

Waking up this morning, I felt a little bit sad and expected a lot of drama in my inbox. However, when I finally got down to it, I missed a meeting - which i don't feel sorry about - and it was the usual student gripes with work. The journalism students were the worst. Nonetheless I consulted my colleague Andrew Calcutt and we discussed the best course of action. I decided to spend time with the students in the late afternoon going through the mag page by page.

At 2.30pm there was a departmental meeting, which was a ginormous letdown. The head of school was supposed to be reprimanding people for their behaviour towards me but instead ended up being about course development. It was a bit of a wet blanket and the whole episode has just made me realise no one has my back at UEL. I work with some very nasty people and now I have decided for my own sanity to put myself first. I'm not risking my mental health for them again.

From 4.30pm onwards I spent time with my students and I quite enjoyed rewriting all the heads and sells with them. And I thought... I can quite happily go back to doing this. Screw them. Screw management. Screw the work. Me. I matter.

Yes to life. I say yes to life. For one year, I am going to welcome life and live it. This weekend I'm going to the salon underneath my house and asking them to paint my nails silver. That's what I'm focusing on.

I went for a 6k run and Andy made some tortellini for dinner. I still feel a little hungry but I decided to go next door to my bedroom and quickly finish this blog before bedtime.

We may be spinning on a globe in the middle fo nowhere, but I now say come on universe – show me what you've got.

Welcome to Madrid

It’s A Friday at around midday in Madrid. It is reaching 17 degrees Celsius and I am writing this in order to get some thoughts down.

The day I arrived in Madrid it was raining - pouring heavily. I’d arranged to meet a British guy from Alicante for some daddy/son play. He came to my apartment and he treated me like his slutty son, dressing me in gstrings and tying me in bondage, getting me to call him daddy before finally tying me to a chair and milking me.

I then went on a short exploration tour of Madrid, walked round the gay area even though it was mostly closed and headed into a burger joint for safety while it poured down with rain. I bought some red wine to drink and thought I would finish by reading east of Eden, but fell asleep on the bed.

On Thursday I decided to do my ‘most wanted’ thing which was to see Guernica at the Reina Sofia. I loved the gallery but got told off for taking a selfie with said painting. I also got to see the Bauhaus ballet costumes and was entranced by a self portrait by Ponce de Leon. He died at 30 in the Spanish civil war.

I had lunch at a gorgeous taperia with Spanish beans, meat roll and cheesecake, served with a beer all for €12 - a bargain!

I then went to the Prado and there were no photos anywhere. It was all a bit too Jesusy for my taste anyway. All a bit overwhelming when going through an existential crisis. 

I came home for a nap and slept till about 6.30. After I toured Masalañas where all the cool vintage shops and indie bars are. I bought myself a pale blue trilby that fits very snugly. Haven’t decided how I feel about it but I’m wearing it as I write this - you know, for size.

I then decided to be adventurous by booking myself on a bar crawl but it was a dud. Spoke to a Russian guy called Roman who felt the same as me so I had one gin and tonic the left for the gay area Chueca. I had another drink in a bar called The Paso bar, but stood their awkwardly - I hate pickup places.

I went home and ordered a burger and Patatas Bravas, then fell asleep.

This morning I woke up, went on Grindr and found a hot bulky Spaniard to have sex with. He was very passionate and his tanned body and dark hair were so sexy. 

I returned to my apartment now I’m wondering how to spend the day

****

As an aside, I am still thinking of my own mortality. All roads lead back to the same path. If death is inevitable then all we can control is how we live.

I have decided to make some changes when I return to the UK. One is to move. I don’t necessarily care too much about the Atelier now but I do need to be one step closer to going. The other is to give myself 2 years of really investing in myself and my creative projects. If it doesn’t work I can go back to what I was always doing.

I’m getting fed up of my own excuses and stories. I’d like to prove to myself I can do anything I put my mind to

Easter weekend

Saturday was Matt's birthday, so I knew it would be a crazy one. I woke up, formatted all my references for my chapter and then sent it around 1pm. It probably could use some more redraft time but it is better for them to see something than for them to keep waiting for nothing. I can always get more feedback in peer review.

I then went for a quick 4k run, showered and freshened up my high fade with a new cut. I really love my edgy new do. The woman in the barber shop had a son who wanted to play in the bouncy castle, so I gave her an extra £2 for her son to go on the ride.

I met up with Rachel before the party and we drank an M&S mojito in a can a la Diane Abbott scandal (delicious by the way - worth getting caught for). When we arrived at Matt's party, a couple called Emma and Alex were there. We sat and enjoyed the sun, Sina, Matt's gf and I, compared notes on being slobby and she invited me to her hen night.

Shamefully we ended up doing cocaine (again) and I severely regret that. Emma and I ended up talking bout cosmology, the nature of life the world and everything, and her job as an infectious disease doctor. I really want to see her again.

The party went on till 6am but I should have left way before. Got an Uber back home with a chatty driver, but I was not in the mood. Dreaded the fact that I had to go out again on Sunday.

However on Sunday, I tried to nap at certain points during the day but I ended up going to see Andy around 2pm. We did a bar crawl around new cross and he told me about his new transgender fancy person and his new status as being non-binary. It was really pleasant to see him and we enjoyed a bit of the sun. I told him about all the issues I've been having lately, about my amateur interest in cosmology lately and about how to go forward in life.

When I got home, I fell asleep on the sofa and woke up around 9pm with a pounding headache. I wrapped myself up and watched Family Guy, then went to sleep around midnight.

Bank Holiday I decided that I would finally have to clean up my place. I did a very light clean and collected all the rubbish, but took it easy from the party fallout. I napped all day and then david called around 4pm, so i arranged to meet him at 6 at the Retro bar. I was having a 'down day' and the oppressive thoughts about death started to get to me again. I thought I was making progress but it was a little setback. David geed me up, and then a guy called Tony came round for some sex. He did his PhD in climate change and we ended up drinking a bottle of wine! I didn't come and I ended up falling asleep on the sofa, woke up to find him leaving.

Today I spoke to someone from the NHS and finally got a referral for all of my deep thinking and how to progress past this. The Spanish woman on the phone said it was 'very interesting' talking to me. Yes of course it is – I'm a nutbar. Then Dan rang me and I found he was still really upset about Courtney, really down. I met him at Stratford and we had a burrito at Tortilla while he told me Courtney had been out till 5am and is even more insistent on going. I can see in his eyes he wants to keep crying. It is so hard for him right now.

When I got home, I chatted on What'sApp with some guy in Alicante who wants to meet up in Madrid. I then had another nap (!) and started packing for Madrid. Tomorrow morning I go and I'm looking forward to some much-needed headspace...

The lost weeks

Over the past few weeks, I've intentionally not been blogging to see what it was like to lose some time, but still... Since the 8th of March the momentum of time seems to have slowed down somewhat. Student formal presentations started in the week commencing the 8th April with Employment and Enterprise, Pitching for Business and Campaign Design and Execution all pitching. I am just glad they got through it to be honest. Julia and I went for a drink on the 11th April accompanied only by Ben, and it wasn't the monumental 'end of year' celebration we were both hoping for. I was pretty much finished by 7.30pm. I did some initial research for my Miss Vanjie chapter that Friday and met up with David - his last day of work before starting Keystone Capital.  Then David and I had a drink with Jilly at the Retro bar that Friday. I told Jill all about Kazakhstan and her friend from Belarus, Kate, was super-impressed feeling some former USSR vibes. Jill told me Dan and Courtney were separating, which is just awful. I texted Dan and he is really cut up.

I thought the next week would be super simple as teaching has officially finished and we were supposed to be on Easter break, but the journalism students were hassling me about their event for the launch of their magazine. I think I was super-harsh on them. Told them this needed to be an industry event - not a jolly on the university spend. I might have gone overboard.

Of course, the validation document took prime importance and I had to finish it by the 18th of April so that I could have a peaceful and restful holiday from 19-29 April. During the week, I started to ease off a bit as I thought I had it pretty much in hand and did the bare minimum amount of work. The biggest bit was herding everyone else into writing their module specs and sending individual bits of External Advisor feedback to the relevant person.

I also went to see Hassan, the dean, about the bullying in the department which he told me I was 'taking personally'. I was very taken aback at this and it made me realise that management do not really have my back at all. Ergo, the structure at UEL is somewhat fucked and I've pushed myself forward only to make myself vulnerable. It did somewhat put into perspective what my position is.

On the 17th April, I gave some proofing feedback on the magazine journalism students' proof and Paige and Debbie came to my office shouting at me for an hour. I literally sat there and listened with a smirk on my face. I know they are under a lot of pressure, but I had already stayed late (till 7pm) and now two students were making me stay later (till 8)to listen to them. I then decided to take them for a couple of drinks at the bar. They talked about True Blood and their sexual preferences (!), but I went home at 9pm. Felt bad for gossiping with them about departmental politics, but also they are level 6 and will finish soon.

I asked Suzanne if I could have a day off on the 18th April to do research in the British Library, so I finished the validation document first thing in the morning, then went off to the library. I found a really interesting thread about horror, Slender Man and transmedia storytelling. In my Miss Vanjie chapter, I liken her to a horror character. But instead of being an unwelcoming presence, she is a a presence that people call on. After my research I popped by to see Dan. He cried about Courtney wanting to separate and we had a couple of beers, chatted about it. It basically sounds like Dan wants to stay but Courtney s hell bent on leaving so she won't know how she feels until she goes. I ordered a nice curry on Thursday to round off the holiday.

Friday I dedicated JUST to writing the book chapter. Originally I wanted to get to 4000 words, but I ended up pushing 5000+ and deciding to wrap up the chapter and formatting it. Then I found out my Brazilian friend Alan Santos was over from Brazil with his boyfriend. We used to work together at a text chat channel called Gay Network over 14 years ago. I went to The Glory to meet him and I had a great time, but I felt sad because I tried to remember all the days/weeks/ nights we spent together when we were in our early 20s. Anyway, we had an awesome night voguing and I remembered why I loved him so much. I wish I could have spent more time with him.

Sometimes the reason I feel so sad when I can't remember things is because if consciousness were truly separate from brain, we would be able to recall everything. But we can't.

I took a cab home, even though I couldn't afford it, and went to sleep.

Jet lag comeback

All this week I think my body has been slammed by the awful jetlag from the trip to Kazakhstan and my very very late night on Sunday. So I've half been trying to take it easy on myself and half punishing myself for not achieving as much as I should.

I was very tired on Thursday and it is 'presentation season', which means sitting through a load of presentations. Formal assessments for most of my modules start next week but we had our first assessment for CC4703 - Branding in Theory and Practice. We had three groups, first one was Spartan Water - a protein water for sports guys. One of the team was late (Michael) but it was a good proposition from Dan and John.

Next up – Vasser from Luca, Neural and Bismark. This was a water aimed at young eco-conscious workers. I felt like they sold the biodegradable bottle more than they sold the water but hey ho. Still a 2:1.

Finally Pronto pasta, which was elevated by its creative execution of art deco font and pasta shapes. It was the best presentation of the day, even if this is not the best cohort of advertising students we've had.

All through the presentations I was being huffy about the students, mainly brought on by tiredness. I think Julia was worried about me. Plus the validation document was started to piss me off. It was a lot of work and I am getting nothing out of it. It's not like I get extra money – just the 'kudos' and with all their complaining I've been reduced to the department whipping boy.

We then had the dry run of presentations for the second years. Group 1 - Immie et al - have done well and just jumped ahead with their idea without explaining it. Julia went to town on them but really they just need to restructure it to avoid confusion. The second group came in and pitched 5 slides and I went in on them - got very angry - and one of them (Rebecca) began to cry. Tensions are high this time of year with all the assessments going on.

After ranting at Julia over lunch, I went to see the journalism students but only George and Andonis turned up. George told me that university deadlines had given him anxiety and he had started taking Sertraline. We then wandered around the university looking for a Mac lab until we found WB1.06. I waited for about half an hour, before taking George and Adonis for a quick coffee. I then when back to do more work on the document until 5pm, then I got annoyed with QA who were hassling me to meet the deadline. And then it just hit me - why am I breaking my own back to try and get this document in on time when I'm shouldering the responsibility for other colleagues not meeting the deadline.

I sat at home feeling absolutely shattered, but instead I decided to go to Peckham to meet Rachel and have a cocktail at Batch. I had a gin martini and 3 glasses of white wine. I asked if Phil had spoken any more about what we discussed on Sunday night. No – not at all.

Overall in mood I instead tried to revel in the moment. If this is what we have then there is no point spending one moment unhappy. In fact, it is pointless in life to be afraid of death because it affects the only bit we are conscious of!

I went back to Phil's with Rachel and we had ordered pizza (so hungry) and I was honest with her that I thought her and Phil would break up because she is ready to move out - and it doesn't look like there's much of a future. I don't even think he is well equipped to deal with what is happening to him.

I decided to get a cab home because I was way too tired, messaged Damien on Scruff and fell asleep around 11.30pm.

I woke up around 6am feeling really washed out, so I decided to get out of bed and watch Drag Race. In fact, I skipped most of Drag Race because it was some stupid Draglypmics episode where A'Keria C Davenport won, and she is the weakest contender I think. I then resigned myself to finishing the stupid document, cutting and pasting all mod specs into one long thing. I then asked Caroline from admin to format it for me, while I went for a long nap over lunch.

When I woke up, the formatting had been done, and so I sent it to the department, which made me feel anxious given their previous attitude. However, I decided to go for a long walk and I phoned Julia instead to tell her it was making me feel weird. I then decided that I had done enough for now – I was totally exhausted – and stopped answering to emails around 4.30pm.

I then fought against my laziness and tendency to depression and decided to clean the house, gather my clothes and take them for a service wash and get a damn haircut. I've been looking really shabby, so I decided to say fuck it and take the plunge. Eckhart Tolle says, "Any action is better than no action because if you make a mistake you learn and then make another change, but you take another step."

I took the plunge and went for a high fade and I LOVE IT! So pleased with it. The barber almost just gave me a number two at the back and sides, but I said, "No – give me the skin fade". I'm so pleased. I look so much more 21st century and fresh! I decided to book a brows appointment for Saturday to compliment it.

At home, I had about two and half glasses of red wine, felt very tipsy and poured myself a jasmine and orchid lush bath. I kept listening to the Power of Now and I am starting to realise to preoccupy oneself with questions around death is ultimately pointless. It happens to all of us. It is life that is the anomaly – a short blip of 70 or 80 odd years in which we have the pleasure of witnessing the Earth.

I feel bad for not going out, but also I realised I have to push myself to socialise more, see people, organise events, go out and find my joy.

Awakening on Saturday I felt much more refreshed than I had done since last week and I took it fairly easy. I rushed out at 10am because I forgot I had booked my brow appointment, got my brows done and returned to eat beans on toast. After pottering around for a bit, I edited together an old video of me saying Vogue over and over again and felt rather pleased with myself.

Some guy from Grindr named Stuart popped over for some mutual masturbation that was quite hot, but ultimately just a 20 min stop during the day.

I then played Hitman 2 for PS4 for about 2 hours before grabbing a shower. I told Craig I would go to the Chateau in Camberwell with him tonight so I'm currently waiting in my blue and red vintage short sleeve shirt waiting to call a cab!

Till next time...

Life is the null hypothesis

Over the past few days, my thoughts have been sinking back to the same beaten tracks, probably not helped by my weekend binge.

On Tuesday I woke and felt like I'd been slammed by a tonne of bricks – likely due to my total lack of sleep and damage I'd done to my body. I managed to haul myself to work listening more to The Power of Now and feeling quite serene. Sylvie came to see me first thing to talk about what happened. That she woke up in the middle of the night and thought to herself that her colleagues making her cry was not okay and that it needed to be fixed, and if there was anything she could do to help push through the validation, she would do it.

This sounds very similar to my experience a few weeks ago when my colleagues were permitted to make changes to the proposal, thereby sending the message that passive-aggressive bullying is okay.

I agreed with Sylvie - that it is not okay - and that something needed to be done.

I wanted to dedicate most of my time to formatting the validation document but as usual there were various interruptions at work. One of my second year groups came to see me (Jimi, Melody, Rebecca) to say they had nothing for their presentation next week. Basically they had focused on their Photographing the City presentation and thought they could wing it by making something up last minute.They are headed for a fail at this rate, but it is the time to let them fail as they need to learn their lesson.

We were supposed to see Hassan the Dean to talk about the atrocious behaviour in the cluster but he postponed. Andy Rees popped by to ask if I was okay, which I thought was nice of him.However, the news of my anxiety and mental breakdown spreading around the department doesn't really make me feel great.

I spent most of the day pointlessly formatting tables and writing what assessments went with what modules. I am hoping this document is a bare minimum pass. Julia and Sylvie were amrking presentations for Photographing the City and swung by at the end of the day and invited me for wine and chips. After having coffee and chocolate, I decided to join them. Initially I tried to have a diet coke, but ended up drinking white wine with them.

We ended up botching a lot about work. I think the tide is turning with the media 11. People are starting to realise the cabal isn't all it cracked up to be and, of course, people are worried about their jobs. We did end up talking about the universe again for some reason.

I have been thinking that we fear death when in fact life is the null hypotheses - the weird anomaly outside of the norm. So why do we prize something so temporary when in fact we should accept that the world will endure?

We got really drunk after 3 bottles of wine and I walked home, picking up a McDonald's on the way back. I scoffed a Big Mac and talked to David on the phone before watching Hey Qween on the sofa.

I woke up at 1.10am with American Dad on the TV, and hauled myself to my proper bed. I slept somewhat disturbed and woke again around 7.30am. Feeling fuzzy headed, I wished I hadn't drank so much NOR eaten the McDonald's. I checked my phone for about 30 minutes before getting up and getting showered, feeling a somewhat grey veil over the day.

I took my journey to work very slowly, buying a skinny hazlenut latte from Costa coffee and walking in. The third years did a 'practice run' of their presentations. I felt very tired and unenthused, which is ashame. But quite frankly I feel ready for them to go, and I want it to be the end of the teaching year so badly. Jess's group presented Kinkex – an app for condom company Durex. Katie's group have a very bog standard strategy of El Torneo for Bacardi. The last group – Ben, Nicole and Gavin – presented a rather disappointing proposition for Burger King. And when I told them it would probably get a 2:2 they went into absolute meltdown.

They have had 12 weeks to figure this out, but they started blaming me for not being around (kazakhstan, mental breakdown). However we fleshed it out to come up with a PR-able idea - #BKKeepIt100. being 100% honest on social media about the whoppers they've told in the past.

Joela, a student having financial difficulties, popped by my office and just cried. I gave her some tough love saying that she had made excuses not to attend and saying you don't have enough money to get to uni is not satisfactory – if she can't afford it she will only make her problems worse. I did, however, give her a hug at the end of the conversation.

I tried really hard to keep formatting the document, but my mind just wandered. I instead set up a load of social media accounts for my new business – The Ideas Atelier. The company name got approved today and so I thought I would push it forward. But then I started to get bogged down in the details. Too many things, too thinly spread a focus.

I went to a training session on calling potential students to get them to accept their offers, which felt like we were turning into telemarketers rather than academics. Afterwards I decided to go straight home, being that I was tired.

The tiredness is getting to me and making the days blur into one, which is exactly what started my panic attacks in the first place. But I am a bit stuck until this validation document is done.

I went home and tried to nap for 2 hours but to no avail, so I decided to catch up with my blogging. I may go for a walk and have a bath before another early night. I clearly need a break from boozing and to flush out my system with water and exercise.

Cocaine regret

I decided to not drink after having a bath of candy-scented Lush products and instead fell asleep on the sofa around 9.37pm. I woke first at 6am (clocks went forward) and then again at 9.45am. I knew I was going to Phil and Rachel's for dinner and so I lazed around the house somewhat. My body still felt fairly slammed from the jet lag and so I dragged myself around the house, waiting for my new Phillips OneBlade to arrive. In all honesty, I felt like I was caught between wasting time and my own motivation to do anything due to my tiredness. I promised myself on Monday I would spring into action and start meditating and exercising again. I danced around a lot to Human League and other things, packed a bottle of red wine and a bar of Kazakhstan chocolate and then journeyed to Elephant and Castle to see them both. I wore black, white and red and – having listened to The Power of Now – I decided to some extent to stop desiring something more and to see myself already as having manifested a desired form, both in body and in job. 

As Eckhart Tolle says your life is always fine even if your life situation is not. 

To keep living in the future is damaging and has served me no purposes. If anything, it has somewhat ruined it.

When I arrived at Phil's, I announced my jetlag and was promptly served an Irish coffee with whipped cream. What a delight! 

His friends Matt and Sina joined us and I told them about my trip to Kazakhstan. This time I felt proud and hid less from my actual job and role. I felt like I was doing good things and my journey as an academic is really only just beginning. But I don't know if I sound too braggy and loud. We sat down to a dinner of vegetable jambalaya and a delicious home cooked chicken tikka. We opened red wine and I lost track of how much I drank. Reflecting back on it now I must have got quite drunk quite quickly because I then remember putting on my music and dancing around with Sina for quite a while to songs like This Charming Man by the Smiths and Human League.

The day seemed to start to flow into the evening and it ll started to go wrong when Rachel pulled out some cocaine. I did one line and I knew I would be on it for the rest of the night. We started talking crap to each other, Sina, Rachel and I started a book club (!), I promised to go to Sina and Matt's wedding and I even 'tested out' my new thoughts on death, creation and consciousness on Phil. He's a scientist so it was good to get his perspective. His perspective is, of course, we're here by accident, it's all evolution and the we should just believe in the miracle of nature.

Earlier on the tube, I have thought to myself that perhaps our incarnation – how we come to be awake – is that the world calls us into consciousness to fulfil a function or purpose. While there may be no afterlife, the 'bigger purpose' of the Earth and the universe is of more importance that we do not and cannot yet understand.

Towards 11pm I felt tired but said nothing. And then I ended up staying past Matt and Sina going. As I stayed and drank more, past 1am where I told Phil about my current mental health issues which he seemed surprised about, saying he had 'the utmost admiration' for me. I guess I have a hard time accepting my own life.

Around 2am Phil landed a bombshell. He recounted in his PhD time in Kenya when he accidentally ran someone over. He is still experiencing PTSD and drank a whole load of whisky recounting the story. Rachel and I were shocked, and I started to feel complicit. But I said there was no point in punishing himself and that he had to find a way to forgive himself, make amends or make peace with the situation.

At 330am we decided to go to bed but due to cocaine I tossed and turned until 5am when I decided to leave and Ubered home (in a black Mercedes no less). At 5.30am, I got home, went to bed. Again tossed and turned util about 7.45am when I decided to get up and go to work.

I hd all intentions of starting on 'the validation document' but instead ended up talking to my colleagues Helena and Sylvie. Sylvie was peed off with Kathy, the programme leader, who has not been leading on Media and Communications. Helena was worried about the new person they had employed – Terry – and how he hadn't responded to her emails. I told her she needed to relinquish a certain amount of control and wait for him to respond.

While sat there googly-eyed on lack of sleep and cocaine hangover, I did marvel at my diplomatic skills and think I am not being paid enough. I should be in a managerial position. That is still completely possible though!

Sylvie later came into my office upset and crying. The craziness at work is getting out of hand and this is not how staff should be behaving. The culture at UEL is getting way out of hand.

The day became harder and harder, and the only reason I went in was because I thought I was seeing students at 11.30am and had a meeting at 1pm. Both items fell through and so I sacked the rest of the day off and walked home. I felt horrendously guilty and started to feel bad about my decision to take drugs. I know better and it is certainly not the right time, while I'm on medication, to be partying.

Because I was so tired, I fell asleep on the sofa around 3pm, then woke up at 5.30pm. I then started to pile loads of pressure on myself – why I wasn't making progress, the possibility of dying having never done anything I wanted etc etc etc So I decided to meditate for 15 minutes.

Focus.

So I made a bad choice but I can choose to end that cycle. I went to get a coffee from Costa – a regular skinny hazelnut latte. This week the validation document has to be in and so I have no choice but to focus on that. I do not have many social engagements and so I can take it easy, focus on exercise, meditation and self care. I took another look at the document and spent about an hour adjusting things before deciding I would get up early tomorrow and start he document at 8am. I intentionally ruined my body and I should learn my lesson.

I am coming to accept the transient nature of life and that we can only be significant for a certain period of time. Listening to The Power of Now again has helped me realise that both power and powerlessness comes from accepting that all we have is right now and this is all that can lead us to enlightenment and happiness.

Now I so badly wish I could get on with and enjoy my life.

Jet lag and beyond

By the time we touched down at 9.30am in Heathrow I was without sleep and cranky as crap. Some German woman pushed me in the aisles because she was so worked up and desperate to get off and started shouting at me so I told her to fuck off. I feel bad about that, but in the grand scheme of things it doesn't mean much. Plus my manager Suzanne heard me swearing and thought it was funny.

I scampered off as quickly as I could, and went to my Addison Lee taxi. Luis, my driver, seemed to be Italian, but I decided not to engage in conversation, instead shutting my eyes at various points. We travelled endlessly round the M25. It was an extremely bright, extremely warm day and it was weird to be back in my 'macro life' when my thoughts have been expanding as far outwards as the edge of the universe and the billion billion years into the future.

As we went towards Woolwich, cutting through New Eltham, I started to talk to Luis. He had never been in the area and I told him that it was really nice and he should consider moving there. He decided he was going to take the ferry to city airport for fun. We also inevitably talked about Brexit and my recent trip to Kazakhstan, but I was relieved to finally arrive back at home at 11.30am after an impossibly long journey that had spanned a 26 hour day.

I dumped my luggage and went to bed straight away.

Waking at around 2pm, David rang me and I managed to persuade him to come to Woolwich later in the evening, and so I managed to have a quick shower and pull on some clothes. I then went to get coffee at the Coffee Lounge and came back home to watch RuPaul's Drag Race. It was the Halloween Ball episode and it severely lacked mind and imagination.

I also caught up with the newest episode of Crazy Ex Girlfriend and I felt slightly guilty for sitting watching TV, but I was way too tired to do anything productive.

David came round at about 6pm and we went for a drink in the Equitable. I stuck with red wine and launched into "I've been thinking about the universe and..."

"Woah woah woah," he said. "Woah."

It kind of made me realise that my thoughts tend to run away with themselves when I don't have anyone to speak with or talk to.

He is very happy about his new business and has got a great deal on the way he is paying tax for it, so that's good. I gifted David some Kazakh chocolate and a camel teddy we've called 'Humpy'.

David came back to mine and we ordered an Indian takeaway and danced around to Fleetwood Mac's Go Your Own Way and Girls Just Wanna Have Fun by Cyndi Lauper. He wanted to watch Drag Race so I showed him the edited highlights of the past few weeks. At about 9.30 he decided to go home, and I pulled my duvet into the living room and fell asleep on the sofa. I woke up again around 2am with American Dad on in the background on the TV. I put the timer on the TV, rolled over and fell asleep again, waking up at 6am.

This is probably a good thing, to get back on UK time. I spent the first hour of th morning scrolling through Tinder and Grinder, while at 7am, I watched the next episode of Crazy Ex Girlfriend. I then got up to go get a coffee and almond croissant at 8am and watched more crap while striking up a conversation with 'Matthew' on Tinder.

After chatting with him for a bit, we decided to meet up with each other. He lived in Beckenham, so I had a quick shower and left the house at 9.50am to catch the 54 bus. On the bus, I thought more profoundly about the temporality of things. Yes, I may be a finite being but it is perhaps quite freeing to know I will not live forever and will not have to worry forever. I turned my music up louder and enjoyed it all the more.

I met Matthew in Beckenham and we had coffee at a really nice cafe. I drank a skinny hazelnut latte and he had a skinny vanilla latte. He works for a travel tech company as an account director and he causally dropped in the conversation he had been single for only 6 months (!) and I panicked slightly. However, I still decided to hook up with him. Walking back to his flat, he talked about my intelligence and I said, "It's a curse! I think too much and have too many ideas... If I could just focus it would all be good!"

When we arrived I saw he was a total geek. He had a shelf of Disney things and he confessed to me he had been to Eurodisney, Disney World, Disney Land... Etc etc... He also was a huge Harry Potter fan. Griffyndor, as it happens.

After having sex, which mainly consisted of mutual masturbation, I gave him a back massage and then we cuddle for about 30 minutes. He came on very strong and was offering to take me on holiday or to a musical - anything I wanted. I gave casual and disguised answers. I hate it when I do this - try to be nice to someone. And I finally made my excuses to leave around 12.50pm.

I waited for the 54 bus back, even though I could have Ubered or similar, because I thought some open-air thinking time would do me good. As predicted, Matthew texted me straight away to say he wanted to keep in touch and isecurely asked me if I wanted to see him again. I texted 'yes, but I'm worried you're moving too fast already'. He relented, but I think he's 'that type' – clingy and serial monogamist. I listened to Meredith Brooks and Human League, thinking what a weird music taste I had until my phone switched off. I bought Hitman 2 for PS4 and started playing it. I scratched any evening plans and around 5pm I decided to head to Stratford to buy some Lush bath stuff. On the way, I started listening to Eckhart Tolle's The Power of Now. I have read it before about 6 or 7 years ago, but listening to him again really soothed me. It, of course, makes so much sense. We really have nothing but right now.

It is a good way to take my foot off the gas once again and to try to be mindful. I'm listening to it right now as I write this. It has made me relax tremendously.

I bought 4 bath oils and three bath bombs from Lush. The shop assistant seemed to think my splurge - £26 - was way too much. I got home about 2 hours ago (6pm-ish) and I tried to add more to my Kazakhstan blog but thought I would get these thoughts down before returning to this.

I wonder what Eckhart would say about writing a journal - is it a way of holding onto the past?

Anyway, off to have beans on toast for dinner, a bath and some red wine before bed.

The equinox changes everything

The bath and the glass of wine was the best plan ever. So in the bath, while sipping a Cab Sav, I was listening to Jen Sincero. She said that participating in other people's drama feeds it, and so the more attention we give to them, the more it feeds their feelings and perpetuates the situation. To give this more thought and aggro is to do myself an injustice. I can rise above this.

After a stilted night of sleep that was somewhat more consistent than the rest of the week, I awoke and checked emails, somewhat depressed about having to get up and deal with the malaise. I checked my email – the publisher had gotten back to me in Australia to address some points the peer reviewers made. I got up, slowly got dressed, meditated for 15 minutes before David rang and I left the house.

I had to get in for 9am for a meeting with marketing, then promptly found out marketing had to cancel when I was walking over the bridge to UEL, making my early jaunt pointless. Then my mind suddenly flashed back. Hang on... The publisher emailed me to say they wanted minor revisions to my proposal. HANG ON - that means my book might actually be published! This is a big deal. This... Is a big deal.

By the time I got to UEL I was in a good mood and the media 11 sent their proposal to the whole cluster at around 9.20... It was ominous, but I decided to take the wind out of their sails:

"Thank you so much for your ideas. It's a shame we didn't manage speak earlier in the process as there are some very clear themes here – we just need to figure out how it fits in the existing rationale and how we then might deliver the validation document to a timely schedule.

Thank you also for your feedback and the adjustments you have made to my proposed module specs."

Collaborative, collegial and took the bite right out of their fight. It also put me straight back in the driving seat and established my credibility. I was buzzing with pride at myself and how I had managed to rise above the dross. My approach also brings everyone in the cluster back together.

I gave a lecture on pitching to about 5 (!) students and felt good about what I had done. I finished way too early – after about 40 minutes – and so I made sure the students had settled into their workshop and then went back to my office to reply to emails. I also went through the process of applying for my company name again and filling in the documentation. At the end I checked back in on them but they really are at a place where they can be working independently.

After lunch I taught the magazine journalism students who seem on track with their projects also. There was some tension between the editors Paige and Debbie and the art editor George, so to diffuse the tension I took George to the Print Centre to look at paper samples and get him focused on printing the magazine. We arrived back half an hour later with some pages to show the girls and everyone seemed appeased. I then sat in the journalism newsroom while they all worked, and I replied to the publisher's comments before asking them what they wanted to do for the launch event and how they would continue.

I arranged to see David after work for drinks and I managed to pop home quickly before getting the train to Charing Cross. I met David at the station and we went to the Retro Bar. I bumped into Paul, who I hadn't seen in ages, and I told him about the potential new book. He seemed a little jealous, which wasn't my intention. After two beers, David suggested going to see David Hoyle at the Royal Vauxhall Tavern, which I agreed to, and we said we would go to Dirty Burger beforehand. But when we got to the restaurant I started thinking about death and dying again. My heart sank. What a sad world we live in.

I told David what I was thinking and he said, "What if there's a winderful afterlife?"

"What if there's not?" I replied.

I decided to stop drinking when we got to the RVT. I had a Coke Zero and allowed myself to lose myself in the music and jigged around. I then decided to have a red wine, which actually relaxed me a bit, so I stuck to that for the rest of the evening. David was sensational as per usual. He was accompanied by Ebony Rose Dark and Tracy Barlow:

I bumped into a couple of people I know like Steven Warren and Matthew 'Joy' Jones. I ended up having about 3 or 4 glasses of wine, but I relaxed into it by the end of the night. I stopped Tracy Barlow and drunkenly slurred about how fabulous she was. I also spoke to another drag queen ho was a Marlene Dietrich impersonator and tried to get her to make me over.

I decided to get a cab home because I was too drunk and lazy to do otherwise. When I got home I switched on the TV to ITV2 to watch American Dad...

...and I must have fallen asleep because I remember waking up at 4am fully clothed. I then took my clothes off and wrapped myself up in my duvet, woke up again around 8am. I tried to get up, remembered I didn't really have to and went back to sleep for an hour.

Feeling muggy, I took a variety of pain pills and PrEP and went to get coffee, croissant and Skyr yoghurt. After settling in with all 3, I watched the newest episode of RuPaul's Drag Race (loving this season!) and then I decided to write a 3 month plan of threes, to be completed by June 22, 2019. The list reads:

Go on 3 dates
Make 3 new social media videos
Make 3 new photos
Go to 3 networking events
Find 3 performance workshops
See 3 performances
Go to 3 night clubs and dance wildly
Go to 3 club nights
Visit 3 countries (this is a cheat because I am visiting Spain, Belgium and Kazakhstan and I knew that)
Plan 3 more
Write 3000 words for my book

I spoke to Julia on the phone for an hour before leaving the house to go to UEL. She thinks the equinox and the super moon has refreshed the balance. The only purpose of going in today was to meet with two representatives from 'the media 11' to see if we could broker a compromise.

I got a piri piri chicken wrap, which I felt greedy and fat for eating (putting on weight again after losing loads when stressed and anxious). Then I saw Helena from QA and stomped around the campus. Luckily I bumped into Paul Gormley in the cafe queue and we had a brief chat, which kind of made the meeting at 2 less hard.

When Paul and Johannes came to my office, it was an amicable and positive conversation and I kept it upbeat and light. very positive about all of their ideas and comments and I decided to waive as much through as possible. There is a long game here and to temporarily appease the detractors will encourage harmony.

We agreed on a model and I sent it round to everyone, again sounding really positive about it. I have almost single handedly managed to restore the balance here and I went home at 4pm feeling really positive about myself and the work I had done, and now Kazakhstan was before me. I could do the document and let this play out, and finally get my head out of the woods.

I thought about dyeing my hair platinum blonde and redesigning myself. I needed to change and refresh and I want to have one cracking summer where I celebrate myself and my life. The effects of the wine from last night has me feeling heavy though, and so I just relaxed on the sofa when I got home, watched RuPaul's Untucked and went between napping and washing clothes. It's currently 8.30pm and I still haven't packed for Kazakhstan. I'm letting a wash dry before I stuff some things in a suitcase.

So yeah... I'm off to Kazakhstan tomorrow, which should be a strange and gnarly adventure. How many times in your life can you do that?

The Big Snooze

The past two days have been extremely stressful because of work. At some point on Tuesday morning – around 3am – it struck me that what my colleagues were doing was not okay. It was tantamount to passive-aggressive bullying. There they were squirrelling away at a proposal thinking they had gotten all the control back over the revalidation. And the dean and Head of School had sent completely the wrong message – that it was okay to do that because you'll get what you want and get away with it.

On Tuesday I gave a lecture to the first years about what we were expecting from their first year branding presentations before waiting around for the SQLTC, where I voiced my dissatisfaction with the process. My manager Suzanne also feel as though she has been undermined and wronged by the process, so we're a bit stuck in all honesty. Because the decision came from above, we're both a bit powerless to do anything.

I went home early to try and get a nap after waking early, but couldn't find piece. I just felt fuming the whole time. I found myself being absorbed in my phone, unable to find peace – it even stopped me doing exercise though I defied that by going out at 8pm for a half hour run.

My colleague Julia text me to say she had met with Paul Gormley from 'the 11' who went through the proposal with her. This wound me up even more. The fact they had thought about it and that module titles existed and not shared them with anybody sent me round the bend. I didn't reply to Julia, who then called me after a while to check I was okay. I nearly did not call, but it is spinning me out.

I tried to go to bed early, but couldn't really sleep, so set up camp on the sofa. I drifted off, then woke up again around 2.45am. My mind was whirring still and I was up until 5am before finally drifting off and waking up around 8am. I sent an email to Suzanne expressing how annoyed I was and how we should talk about the situation, but then on walking to the university and listening to Jen Sincero I decided to say to myself, "So they have won. Well done them. Best to let it go."

I resolved this to myself in my mind. Admit defeat and try to carry on. I saw Jonathan Hardy in the corridor and barked a 'hi' at him (dick) before going to the workshop for CC6704. I saw Andrew Branch (another dick) talking to Julia and I ignored him. It was immature and I regret it but I really didn't know what to say to him. All of those people that signed the letter think it's okay to be hostile and mean to colleagues.

The students probably sensed I was down and they filled in their module feedback form. I'm not looking forward to the results after so many cancellations and ups and downs. I was going to go straight home but I stayed for a little bit and Suzanne forwarded me the plans from 'the 11'. Underwhelming. A list of generic module titles. And I thought... is this what we have been waiting for?

I cheered up when Helena from QA told me similar models had been kicked back by QA and this made me feel like I had a bit of power again. I went to see Julia and David Gray who had taken the third years after me, and we tried to help the Burger King group come up with an idea.

Julia and I stayed for coffee and we chatted and chewed and dissected all of the issues. I told her Simon had tol me to make a formal complaint, which she was shocked about. I just feel tired and fried. But most of all, I feel like UEL is distracting me from what my real focus should be. I was supposed to come back, relax and be able to enjoy my life a bit better. Instead it has been full on chaos. I don't think I can even deliver what they are asking in the time frame they are asking it.

And quite frankly, it serves management right for doing this.

I went into town at 6.30pm to see Thiago and met him at Joe the Juice. He's really handsome, but he only talked about business. It was a business meeting, but he didn't really seem to have a sense of humour and so it felt hard to 'vibe' off of him and know what to do. He kept talking about various business ideas or video concepts or content strategies, but I didn't really feel excited by them.

One thing that did come out of the meeting though is that I should just start committing to small things. Like social media - I've proved to myself I can do it, so I should make videos and photos and not be afraid to showcase the real me.

But I am frazzled. And this drama at UEL is 'fake news' compared to the rest of my life. I should be focusing on joy and purpose. Instead I'm going off at the deep end.

I think I will have a chat tomorrow about relieving myself of the responsibility of validation tomorrow at work. But for now I'm going to run a bath and have a glass of wine.

I have a company

I woke up on the sofa this morning feeling apprehensive about going back to work after a week off, but I forced myself to get up, brush my teeth and get dressed because the very kind counsellor (Carole) at the clinic agreed to see me again for 9am. I hauled myself out the hosue quickly, picked up a coffee at the Coffee Lounge and then headed for the Trafalgar Clinic.

Unsurprisingly, Carole noticed the huge difference between me being in floods of tears last week and me speaking much more calmly and lucid than this week. She had written a letter to my GP saying I was having mood swings and thoughts of death. Both true. She was very worried as I had surmised correctly, but we spent some time talking about work, stress, how things got that way before tapping into... Relationships. She said I can actually treat you for relationships and I can keep seeing you for that. And so I have managed to get some free therapy on the NHS. She recommended a book on mindfulness for me, which is just great – I hope it will help.

I caught a bus thay went the long way round to North Greenwich and got to my office. Good to put in an appearance so that people could see I wasn't off indefinitely. I dropped in to see Helena and we bitched about the validation process. I cancelled a meeting, bitched more with my colleague Sylvie about how naive 'the cabal' (as she calls them) were being about the programmes. Suzanne range me – she's furious with the whole situation. And me? I did start to feel ever so slightly bullied and singled out by the situation. They are a bunch of very nasty people and sadly I've been caught in the moddle of it. I started to feel sorry for myself, typed out an email to Simon Robertshaw and decided not to send it.

David rang me and told me that I should just let it wash over me – that if they do the work then I should let them. And after he said that, I kind of stopped caring. I had already broken my back and my mental health by typing out a 90 page document – perhaps they could have a go, if they wanted to.

I had a meeting with Barking Enterprise Centre to talk about my social enterprise. Karen West-Whylie was really nice and very helpful – she said she was willing to help in any way possible. They offered me some space at the Young Entrepreneur's centre. She also gave me some advice on charging charities in a means-tested way then paying the young people who work for the agency. This seems like a really sensible business model and it also is becoming something much bigger. She showed me a tender for £100k and asked if I had considered applying. £100K?!

She said it seems like a lot when you're first starting but it's not. She then urged me to register my company as soon as possible to get the ball rolling.

On my way home from barking, i tried to think of various names like 'Creationary' or 'Vision8', but they had all been taken. So, instead of reinventing the wheel, I decided to try for my first choice – The Atelier Project. A recently dissolved company had the same name, but I'm hoping now the don't exist that I can steal it. So I just went for it – I registered a company in my own name!

I'm hoping I can use variations like Atelier Project LDN and Atelier Project NYC. It's flexible enough to accommodate the training for young people while also allowing my personal projects to come underneath it. I'm actually quite excited. If the name gets confirmed, I will buy the web spaces and away we go!

Thiago has been in touch with me regarding meeting up, as has Tracy Stringfellow from Royal Greenwich Heritage Trust. I plan to tell them both about my exciting company venture.

Same old pressures

Saturday was difficult... I woke up around 8am, but because I was hungover I knew I needed more rest. I watched Frasier on Channel 4, then drifted back off to sleep, awaking again around 10.40am. I tried to motivate myself to do things but it felt too hard – I did go forage for coffee though. I watched crap until around 12.30pm when I finally motivated myself to clean the flat.

Part of me is really impressed that I managed to declutter and clean. I even hoovered with my new hoover and marvelled - in one vacuum - how much dust was picked up from the carpet. For once in a very long time the flat feels 'clean', possibly because I know there is nothing to hide anywhere.

With all of the existential crises and pointlessness and absurdity it always goes back full circle. What would make you happy in your life right now? Which is basically, all that matters. Then I go back to making videos and photos and creative outlet and being famous and SOMETHING. And then I think of limited time and how i can achieve it and... Mind melt. Not good, especially because overwhelm is more likely to make me feel crippled than anything else.

My hangover kept me pottering around the house. I tried to nap several times, watched another 3 hour documentary on Andy Warhol and then I copied and pasted and meshed a lot of my PhD chapters together from a chapter I have to submit on theatricality and photography. Feeling shitty about it, I went to Sainsbury's, bought some mince and tomatoes and made a delicious spag bol. I started watching a series on Netflix called 'Losers', which was about people in the sports world who could perceived to be losers and what they did in the face of failure.

I then took a bath with Blue Fluffy Clouds Lush bubble bar while I watched the Losers on Canadian curling and decided to have an early night. My over-riding thought? punishing myself for no creative work...

On Sunday I started to feel the crippling nag of anxiety as soon as I got up: the one where it feels like you have rocks in your stomach and you don't want to get out of bed. So I had to take it slowly again, bought an Americano and an almond croissant, ate it slowly, watched more of 'Losers'...

Thinking an age had passed, it was probably only 9.30 when I did some more work and I focused on finsihing the book chapter. It didn't take me as long as I thought and I 'botched' something together. It is bad in some ways, as it is loosely held together with examples but being that it is already late I thought it was better to send something than have nothing at all. I will await their comments and revise accordingly over the summer.

Finishing at 11.30am, I left the house to go meet my friend Rachel and he boyfriend Phil in Brighton. On the journey over I spoke to my work colleague Julia Dane on the phone, which made me nervous about returning to work, and so on the train down I started getting anxious. However, I put on some relaxing music and daydreamed the rest of the way to the seaside.

I met Rachel and Phil in Pizza Express and had a sloppy giuseppe with a large glass of Soave. Although Rachel had called me to tell me they had argued in the morning, she decided she was fine and we started to have fun. We walked around, bout Phil's sister a birthday present (pot plant) and I bought some bath things from Lush.

We went to a cocktail bar called the Plotting Parlour, and I had a green matcha margarita that was very rich and complex. I told Phil about my colleagues at work and he said he thought their behaviour was outrageous. It is... I'm in a catch 22 – do I stick it out and rise in the ranks or just decide it's not worth it and look elsewhere for a job?

We moved onto a fairly ordinary pub where I drank Guinness (it is St Paddy's Day after all) and chatted to Phil's ex-girlfriend from years ago. We also met up with phil's sisters to go to a comedy night at the Komedia.

The night itself reminded me of Butlin's or somewhere similar, where we had reserved seating and plates like 'Nachos' on offer. We were sat right at the front and I was scared we would get picked on. The highlight of the night was, however, when a young comedian described himself as being mature at 24 years old and I burst out laughing, then the audience laughed. This threw him off his stride and he actually skipped the punchline. I shied away embarrassingly when he asked me if I had something to say, saying 'No, no, no, no...'

On the whole, they were not bellyachingly funny, but it was good to get out of the house and permit myself to let go and enjoy. We bought some gins in a tin from Tesco to drink on the train home. Phil fell asleep and Rachel and I got drunk! The train home seemed to speed by, and we arrived back in London around 11.20pm.

I just managed to get a DLR to Canning Town when Rachel called me crying – another fight with phil. I am worried about her – she can't live like this. She made the decision to sleep overnight on the sofa despite me telling her to come over, then I had to call an Uber because there were no more trains to Woolwich. I dragged my duvet and pillows to the sofa to fall asleep, hoping that 7 hours would be enough to sustain me.

Relaxing into the unknown

I'm going to try and get this down while I still can, having come in at 1.40am after a few drinks.

I woke up quite early this morning - before 7am. The reason I know that is because I tried to watch RuPauL's Drag Race and had to wait until after then till it 'went live' on Netflix. I thought I might try to get another sleep before my doctor's appointment, but instead I restlessly lay about on the sofa until around 8.30am, when I started to get ready for my doctor's appointment. I left the house at 9.30am, when David rang me. He had taken the day off work and was very hungover, so we arranged to go for brunch at Milk in Balham after my appointment.

The tube ride seemed quite pleasant and I wondered if the citalopram had finally started doing its work. I got to Balham early, went to a few charity shops before signing in at the doctor's reception. When I was called, I nearly bumped into the doctor in the corridor as she tried to fetch me. Needless to say I was much calmer this week. I explained to her that I was really distraught and I'm sorry she saw me like that. The medication has helped with the anxiety attacks and now I'm thinking a bit more clearly. I have self-referred to the mental health centre in Greenwich and I have a phone appointment. We actually started to laugh and joke by the end of the appointment: I was telling her about my upcoming holiday to Madrid and she was telling me about her final medical exams. She handed me a feedback form to give on the way out and I marked her as 'outstanding' for everything - she really deserves it.

I met David for brunch and he was telling me about his new business – Keystone Capital. I'm very excited for him - it seems like the perfect time for David to be starting his own venture and I know this is going to be successful for him. He always has nerves about it, but he is thinking of the 'worst case scenario' - he will do great. I had a delicious eggs benedict with filter coffee and fresh orange juice. So satisfying.

I went home and felt ever so slightly guilty about the remaining mess in my house, so I took my laundry to the dry cleaners and threw out the household rubbish I could manage to get down the stairs. I then bought a new hoover and a chest of plastic drawers, provisionally put it together and then decided I could leave the rest. I re-watched RuPaul's Drag Race (season 11 episode 3 – so good) before deciding to get showered and dressed to go to the Other Art Fair at the Truman Brewery.

I really took pleasure in getting dressed and I met David again at Liverpool Street, and we walked to the Truman Brewery to meet Jill and Paul. David and I got there early so I bought a double gin and tonic and David had a pint of beer, I just loved wandering round the aisles. I bumped into Oliver Joly, a publicist who I met years ago. I also spoke to Simon Shepherd about his fuzzy headed tennis ball and Jill, Paul, David and I got to lie on an installation of the inside of a black cat that purrs and vibrates soothingly by Gary Bassman (?). I bought a badge from the cat guy, while Jilly bought her first work of art. I was so excited for her.

Afterwards we went for curry on Brick Lane and had an all vegetarian menu including chana masala and tarka dall – two of my faves – washed down with two pints of Cobra beer. It was a perfectly civilised evening...

Until we decided to go for a cocktail afterwards in the speakeasy at the Breakfast Club. Rachel came to join us and there was a 30 minute wait, so we had an Aperol Spritz upstairs and then I had a lethal tequila cocktail downstairs. Paul asked me about Dil – am I speaking to her – and I said I still love her it's just she wants to live her path in life and I'm going in a different direction that she doesn't necessarily want to come on. So I am friends with her but we just can't be friends in the same way we were.

I guess it was always going to have to reach this stage.

After the cocktail we decided to go, except Rachel, David and I went to Batch Bar in Peckham via Uber for a final drink. I had another pint of beer (!) and Phil – the owner of the bar and Rachel's current beau – offered us an Irish whiskey tasting. So that was probably an equivalent to one shot of whiskey too.

It turns out the bartender that took the tasting is studying art at Goldsmiths and we discussed the problems between formalism and conceptualism, and how changing your mind as an artist is always bad, and where are the boundaries between technique (being 'good') and concept – how much should be taught and to what standard should artists expect to be. A couple called Kacey and Perry joined the table for a short time, but I only said hello to them before they left about 20 mins later. I decided to call a cab and a BMW picked me up. David was insanely jealous!

****

On a side note, since watching the Andy Warhol documentary, his advice to artists used to be 'Do Everything' – e.g. when you don't know what to do, just take the next step forward. To that end it is becoming clear to me that a live/work space is important, but rather than moving straight into 'the Atelier', I need to take the next step up. This is essentially a one bed flat with room to make photo and video work. That way I can start producing content and build a following as an artist while I develop the 'bigger plan' of the Atelier. I have seen some apartments in Peckham I would like to check out and this could be a good starting point through which to start experimenting and making work.

Watch this space...

This house is clean

I woke up earlyish, around 8am, and pottered around the house. I decided not to exercise today, as I had been doing so well and I was fuzzy headed from several glasses of wine last night. I didn't have much time to think as the man from Clearabee came to take away my rubbish from the clutter at 9am. We luckily managed to get into the parking space in the back to haul all of the stuff downstairs. My old photography backdrops are gone, but they have been here for over two years and not been properly used.

I felt sorry for the weird man who had really yellow teeth and receding, monk-style head. I bid him a good day as he left and he said, "I'll have some kind of day at least." I felt quite sorry for him. At the very least I know that a positive attitude is part of being able to enjoy your life.

I went to the Coffee Lounge and bought a large Americano and almond croissant, and set about watching the remaining two episodes of Marie Kondo I hadn't watched yet to inspire me. However, it has been something of a lazy day. I lolled from room to room attempting to do things, but achieving little. I did buy a chest of plastic drawers and a new hoover, which means I've pretty much done everything on my declutter list now.

I packed up the remaining bags of rubbish and took them down to the bins, then I listened to lots of Alan Watts talking about Buddhism, consciousness and death. Eventually I fell asleep around 4pm, then woke up again around 5 since which time I have been pottering around the house again. I managed to finish my application to UnLtd for seed funding for my social enterprise and wrote some more of my 'theatricality' essay.

I ordered a chicken bhuna with mushroom rice and my bio-dad Peter called me to chat. I had messaged him on Monday to say I had been signed off with depression but I assured him I had been feeling okay. Listening to him talk, I realised it is in my nature to feel apathetic because it comes from his side of the family. I need to work hard to combat this.

I decided to watch part two of the Andy Warhol documentary and I listened to a piece of advice he used to give people who asked – just do anything. So, I thought, what is the next step on this journey? I started looking again at flats – any flats – in Peckham and east London and saw two in Peckham that could, at least, provide me with enough space to start doing more photography and video. I am going to book a viewing tomorrow.

Additionally, I think I might spend some time tomorrow thinking about what my 'focus' is. If I can focus on a massive declutter and achieve it by making it my primary aim, surely I can apply this to any other project. I can do this.

My follow up appointment is with the doctor tomorrow. I am hoping she will see positive progress.

The Wheel of Life

"The Wheel of Life turns and it stops for no one..."

To take a brief departure into the spiritual realm, I have been taking some solace in Buddhism. Believe it or not, there is a lot of sense in it, even if you don't believe in reincarnation. For a start, Buddhism explains evolution: a kind of guided creationism that evolves, cycles, regenerates, continues, improves... Buddhism also links into the universe. Even though humans don't understand it, it is continually making, dissolving, being, doing...

In some sense, Buddhism is the art of accepting that life is essentially a constant present. The Wheel of Life stops for no one, except for Buddha, who sits in the middle as the wheel turns. The Dalai Lama believes we are all of Buddha nature and I agree. If we learn to sit in the middle of the wheel, we accept our place in this everlasting cycle and yet put ourselves outside it as unable to understand or control it.

I mention this as some of the bigger thoughts I've been having are starting to be resolved. Again, maybe the meds are kicking in but I find myself spending a lot of time looking at the ultimate fate of the universe, the nature of time – why does it only go in one direction – and quantum mechanics. My ultimate conclusion has to be that humans are limited in our understanding of this and, even when we do understand, it will still have no bearing on our lives as we cannot stop the wheel of life. Even the universe is cycling in its own life span, and has done for billions of years and will do for billions of years after.

I have come to think of myself as 'awake' for a limited time. To engage with a certain slather of reality that is open to me at this juncture as a human being. It is an insane and nonsensical reality, but the only way to keep sane is to engage with the insanity. This, essentially, panders to an existentialist argument and  returns to Camus's idea of the Myth of Sisyphus – to laugh in the face of the Gods, in the face of madness. To live in spite of its absurdity. To embrace the pandemonium.

*****

Today I packed away my nostalgia and memorabilia, going through old photos and half-remembered moments. It was, at times, interesting and sad. At others, it felt as though I was trauling through half-remembered thoughts and laying to rest a distant Allan who lived another lifetime ago. But also, how I thought, if he had the power I have now how he may have conquered the world, achieved his dreams...

Going through my notebooks, it was clear I have always lived in a non-existent future, hoping for better. This makes me sad. And it is so I must resolve that even if things may improve at a future point in time, it is wrong to want to live there now while now is happening. One must be as much in the now as possible.

I was quite tired today, but made excellent progress and booked a rubbish collector for tomorrow. I cleared out my storage cupboard and put my memorabilia and my photographic equipment in there. I bagged up all the remaining iffy clothes and have only maybes and 'yes's. I could be wrong but it really does feel as though things have been lifted in the apartment. While there are still things to do, the things I have been hiding for years have gone. I can finish the rest by myself.

I went for a 6k run, got showered and got ready to go out to see David at a Jake event – an event for professional gay men. I stopped off in the Paul Smith sale shop and I was so tempted to buy something to fit with my new life.

We got to Onima on Avery Row and we were the first ones there. We ordered Picpoul De Pinet and met some great people. There was a guy called Thiago from Brazil who ran his own marketing company, some men called Rory and Steve I met at the bar as well as a reporter from the Sun called Mark who I have met before (and David has slept with before). There was also someone called Alex Storer who worked with companies on diversity and pride.

Meeting all these wonderful 'high energy' people lifted my spirits. Thiago suggested collaborating on a project, I want to get in touch with Alex to talk about social enterprise... It felt like this was more 'my thing' with 'my people'.

I left around 9.30pm and instead of obsessing over losing all these memories I instead decided to let them go. I got back to Woolwich Arsenal and had a McDonald's. David rang me to effuse how much he loved this evening and why we should only do these events in future. I agree... What a night – it was so great to do something different.

The thing that capped off the evening is that I won £133 on the lottery for matching three numbers. Awesome. That just about equals the amount I paid for the rubbish collectors to come and clear my junk tomorrow.

And if this is another sign from the universe? Thank you.

Minimising my life

Yesterday, I thought, was a legitimate day off. As I was watching a documentary on Andy Warhol (narrated by Laurie Anderson), I took some perverse pleasure and parallels into his transition from shy and insecure ingenue into the cold and aloof artist. It was a conscious choice for Warhol to change and so, as I looked around my apartment from the huddle of my duvet, I also had to think that I had the same opportunity to change.

My whole life I've been chronically disorganised and I guess it's because I didn't live in my own reality. I accepted that things would get better, or I hoped they would. I just was blind to my whole self care and clothes. I used to go months without doing laundry (seriously - I know it's gross, but really) and it would sometimes take me months to clean.

I have recently tried to keep on top of my flat, but I know that there are bits and bobs everywhere and the closests and cupboards are full to bursting.

Tonight I will have off, I thought to myself. Tomorrow, I will start to declutter my life. I don't feel manic or mania brought on by the meds, more focused and I suppose that is a good thing. 

I woke up around 10.30am and I decided to take it slow, go for a coffee. So I wondered to the Coffee Lounge and bought an Americano and a banana. I then watched a video about 'focus' and how important it is in life, and in the video he described how focus is so important because if you just say yes to other people's demands your whole life, you will wake up one day and think, 'What have I done?"

Exactly.

And so, I managed to go for a 6k run, a kettlebell exercise and do 20 mins of meditation (to varying degrees of success) and surely, I started to declutter around 1.30pm. At first I went through all of my CDs and tech, which have been gathering dust in my closet and various other places in my flat and I scanned them all into the Music Magpie app so I can package them into a box and send them away. All the CDs I couldn't sell to Music Magpie I bagged up to be taken away. I kept a small box of Mansun CDs (my favourite band when I was 15) as memorabilia and the rest is going. 

I went through all my kitchen cupboards and cleared them out: plastic bags, unwanted gifts, odd coathangers, pictures, whatever... All thrown away. 

I went to Wilkos and bought two big document binders and I cleared my drawers, separating out important bills from personal documents or birthday cards I wanted to keep. The rest – bin.

I kept going until around 9pm, which finished with washing the dishes.

My mantra? I must raise my own standards.

I must bring joy to my own life.

I am responsible for my happiness.

My plan is now to slim down my wardrobe to just white shirts, blazers and jeans – remove the complications and choices from everyday life. Keep it simple and stylish.

I am also going to throw away all my pants and socks and buy brand new luxurious underwear.

I will also call a junk haulers to come and pick up all the stuff so I have no excuse as to why it is still in my cupboard.

I will then move my photography equipment and nostalgia into the closet.

This will pare everything right back and provide a clean slate, as well as making me more mobile and responsive to change.