Hitting snooze and a year of being genderqueer

And so just like that, I let another month pass.

I guess I did it intentionally this time. I let the days slip by because I wanted to see what was important to remember and what was not. I have started to worry less about certain things. Whether that is the citalopram or finally realising that all my thoughts, all this egoistic intertwining and mulling and chewing over and over and over everything does not mean a damn and it does not serve me either. If, really, there is only oblivion, if we are alone. If God is a construct, if we're just floating around on this planet what I think, what you think, what anyone thinks does not make a damn bit of difference in the long run.

I no longer feel guilty for being gay. I no longer care what people think about me being queer. I no longer worry if I have caught HIV even though I'm on PrEP and wear a condom or ask lovers to wear condoms. In fact, I let someone cum inside me.

Last weekend I took a crap load of MDMA two days in a row and I didn't feel guilty. I didn't feel sad and I didn't really get a comedown. In fact, I felt good. Something being 'bad' or ;good; is a value judgement and I don't know where those values come from anymore, or whether they are valid.

Some things are only useful to you right now. The way you feel, your job, money. Some things you can give that are useful to other people and I guess in many ways these are some of the best things.

I find myself less able to get angry. I check myself when I'm getting anxious. These are positive things.

I have started dating again: I went out with a 'Peckham geez' 2 weeks ago called Charlie and I fuked some guy from my work name, funnily, Guy the weekend before last.

My birthday happened, which was a depraved affair with pills, cocaine and Daniel's flat.

Daniel and I have become close. Perhaps out of necessity for him rather than for me. But in a strange and weird karmic pattern I find now that people are relying on me for help, and it is my turn to help them. I feel like in the past I have relied so much and so heavily on my friends that now I am able to return the favour. In many ways I am grateful I could have such a turn to do this: I've always been the needy one, but as my resolve gets stronger and my inner peace gets greater, I can be the rock.

I went to a 50th birthday party on Saturday and bumped into a friend, Fraser, and his friend's friend Carlie. I was in full make up and she said, my look wasn't outrageous, it was 'just cool'. And that made me feel that maybe showing these pieces of who I really am will pay off eventually.

Still inside, I feel there needs to be a change. Maybe moving to a different city, starting a new career.

But most of all I think having the courage to be myself will be the first step on the road to a wonderful story. Make up, kitten heels, Paul Smith and all.