Relaxing into the unknown

I'm going to try and get this down while I still can, having come in at 1.40am after a few drinks.

I woke up quite early this morning - before 7am. The reason I know that is because I tried to watch RuPauL's Drag Race and had to wait until after then till it 'went live' on Netflix. I thought I might try to get another sleep before my doctor's appointment, but instead I restlessly lay about on the sofa until around 8.30am, when I started to get ready for my doctor's appointment. I left the house at 9.30am, when David rang me. He had taken the day off work and was very hungover, so we arranged to go for brunch at Milk in Balham after my appointment.

The tube ride seemed quite pleasant and I wondered if the citalopram had finally started doing its work. I got to Balham early, went to a few charity shops before signing in at the doctor's reception. When I was called, I nearly bumped into the doctor in the corridor as she tried to fetch me. Needless to say I was much calmer this week. I explained to her that I was really distraught and I'm sorry she saw me like that. The medication has helped with the anxiety attacks and now I'm thinking a bit more clearly. I have self-referred to the mental health centre in Greenwich and I have a phone appointment. We actually started to laugh and joke by the end of the appointment: I was telling her about my upcoming holiday to Madrid and she was telling me about her final medical exams. She handed me a feedback form to give on the way out and I marked her as 'outstanding' for everything - she really deserves it.

I met David for brunch and he was telling me about his new business – Keystone Capital. I'm very excited for him - it seems like the perfect time for David to be starting his own venture and I know this is going to be successful for him. He always has nerves about it, but he is thinking of the 'worst case scenario' - he will do great. I had a delicious eggs benedict with filter coffee and fresh orange juice. So satisfying.

I went home and felt ever so slightly guilty about the remaining mess in my house, so I took my laundry to the dry cleaners and threw out the household rubbish I could manage to get down the stairs. I then bought a new hoover and a chest of plastic drawers, provisionally put it together and then decided I could leave the rest. I re-watched RuPaul's Drag Race (season 11 episode 3 – so good) before deciding to get showered and dressed to go to the Other Art Fair at the Truman Brewery.

I really took pleasure in getting dressed and I met David again at Liverpool Street, and we walked to the Truman Brewery to meet Jill and Paul. David and I got there early so I bought a double gin and tonic and David had a pint of beer, I just loved wandering round the aisles. I bumped into Oliver Joly, a publicist who I met years ago. I also spoke to Simon Shepherd about his fuzzy headed tennis ball and Jill, Paul, David and I got to lie on an installation of the inside of a black cat that purrs and vibrates soothingly by Gary Bassman (?). I bought a badge from the cat guy, while Jilly bought her first work of art. I was so excited for her.

Afterwards we went for curry on Brick Lane and had an all vegetarian menu including chana masala and tarka dall – two of my faves – washed down with two pints of Cobra beer. It was a perfectly civilised evening...

Until we decided to go for a cocktail afterwards in the speakeasy at the Breakfast Club. Rachel came to join us and there was a 30 minute wait, so we had an Aperol Spritz upstairs and then I had a lethal tequila cocktail downstairs. Paul asked me about Dil – am I speaking to her – and I said I still love her it's just she wants to live her path in life and I'm going in a different direction that she doesn't necessarily want to come on. So I am friends with her but we just can't be friends in the same way we were.

I guess it was always going to have to reach this stage.

After the cocktail we decided to go, except Rachel, David and I went to Batch Bar in Peckham via Uber for a final drink. I had another pint of beer (!) and Phil – the owner of the bar and Rachel's current beau – offered us an Irish whiskey tasting. So that was probably an equivalent to one shot of whiskey too.

It turns out the bartender that took the tasting is studying art at Goldsmiths and we discussed the problems between formalism and conceptualism, and how changing your mind as an artist is always bad, and where are the boundaries between technique (being 'good') and concept – how much should be taught and to what standard should artists expect to be. A couple called Kacey and Perry joined the table for a short time, but I only said hello to them before they left about 20 mins later. I decided to call a cab and a BMW picked me up. David was insanely jealous!

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On a side note, since watching the Andy Warhol documentary, his advice to artists used to be 'Do Everything' – e.g. when you don't know what to do, just take the next step forward. To that end it is becoming clear to me that a live/work space is important, but rather than moving straight into 'the Atelier', I need to take the next step up. This is essentially a one bed flat with room to make photo and video work. That way I can start producing content and build a following as an artist while I develop the 'bigger plan' of the Atelier. I have seen some apartments in Peckham I would like to check out and this could be a good starting point through which to start experimenting and making work.

Watch this space...