The Wheel of Life

"The Wheel of Life turns and it stops for no one..."

To take a brief departure into the spiritual realm, I have been taking some solace in Buddhism. Believe it or not, there is a lot of sense in it, even if you don't believe in reincarnation. For a start, Buddhism explains evolution: a kind of guided creationism that evolves, cycles, regenerates, continues, improves... Buddhism also links into the universe. Even though humans don't understand it, it is continually making, dissolving, being, doing...

In some sense, Buddhism is the art of accepting that life is essentially a constant present. The Wheel of Life stops for no one, except for Buddha, who sits in the middle as the wheel turns. The Dalai Lama believes we are all of Buddha nature and I agree. If we learn to sit in the middle of the wheel, we accept our place in this everlasting cycle and yet put ourselves outside it as unable to understand or control it.

I mention this as some of the bigger thoughts I've been having are starting to be resolved. Again, maybe the meds are kicking in but I find myself spending a lot of time looking at the ultimate fate of the universe, the nature of time – why does it only go in one direction – and quantum mechanics. My ultimate conclusion has to be that humans are limited in our understanding of this and, even when we do understand, it will still have no bearing on our lives as we cannot stop the wheel of life. Even the universe is cycling in its own life span, and has done for billions of years and will do for billions of years after.

I have come to think of myself as 'awake' for a limited time. To engage with a certain slather of reality that is open to me at this juncture as a human being. It is an insane and nonsensical reality, but the only way to keep sane is to engage with the insanity. This, essentially, panders to an existentialist argument and  returns to Camus's idea of the Myth of Sisyphus – to laugh in the face of the Gods, in the face of madness. To live in spite of its absurdity. To embrace the pandemonium.

*****

Today I packed away my nostalgia and memorabilia, going through old photos and half-remembered moments. It was, at times, interesting and sad. At others, it felt as though I was trauling through half-remembered thoughts and laying to rest a distant Allan who lived another lifetime ago. But also, how I thought, if he had the power I have now how he may have conquered the world, achieved his dreams...

Going through my notebooks, it was clear I have always lived in a non-existent future, hoping for better. This makes me sad. And it is so I must resolve that even if things may improve at a future point in time, it is wrong to want to live there now while now is happening. One must be as much in the now as possible.

I was quite tired today, but made excellent progress and booked a rubbish collector for tomorrow. I cleared out my storage cupboard and put my memorabilia and my photographic equipment in there. I bagged up all the remaining iffy clothes and have only maybes and 'yes's. I could be wrong but it really does feel as though things have been lifted in the apartment. While there are still things to do, the things I have been hiding for years have gone. I can finish the rest by myself.

I went for a 6k run, got showered and got ready to go out to see David at a Jake event – an event for professional gay men. I stopped off in the Paul Smith sale shop and I was so tempted to buy something to fit with my new life.

We got to Onima on Avery Row and we were the first ones there. We ordered Picpoul De Pinet and met some great people. There was a guy called Thiago from Brazil who ran his own marketing company, some men called Rory and Steve I met at the bar as well as a reporter from the Sun called Mark who I have met before (and David has slept with before). There was also someone called Alex Storer who worked with companies on diversity and pride.

Meeting all these wonderful 'high energy' people lifted my spirits. Thiago suggested collaborating on a project, I want to get in touch with Alex to talk about social enterprise... It felt like this was more 'my thing' with 'my people'.

I left around 9.30pm and instead of obsessing over losing all these memories I instead decided to let them go. I got back to Woolwich Arsenal and had a McDonald's. David rang me to effuse how much he loved this evening and why we should only do these events in future. I agree... What a night – it was so great to do something different.

The thing that capped off the evening is that I won £133 on the lottery for matching three numbers. Awesome. That just about equals the amount I paid for the rubbish collectors to come and clear my junk tomorrow.

And if this is another sign from the universe? Thank you.