As Eckhart Tolle says your life is always fine even if your life situation is not.
To keep living in the future is damaging and has served me no purposes. If anything, it has somewhat ruined it.
When I arrived at Phil's, I announced my jetlag and was promptly served an Irish coffee with whipped cream. What a delight!
His friends Matt and Sina joined us and I told them about my trip to Kazakhstan. This time I felt proud and hid less from my actual job and role. I felt like I was doing good things and my journey as an academic is really only just beginning. But I don't know if I sound too braggy and loud. We sat down to a dinner of vegetable jambalaya and a delicious home cooked chicken tikka. We opened red wine and I lost track of how much I drank. Reflecting back on it now I must have got quite drunk quite quickly because I then remember putting on my music and dancing around with Sina for quite a while to songs like This Charming Man by the Smiths and Human League.
The day seemed to start to flow into the evening and it ll started to go wrong when Rachel pulled out some cocaine. I did one line and I knew I would be on it for the rest of the night. We started talking crap to each other, Sina, Rachel and I started a book club (!), I promised to go to Sina and Matt's wedding and I even 'tested out' my new thoughts on death, creation and consciousness on Phil. He's a scientist so it was good to get his perspective. His perspective is, of course, we're here by accident, it's all evolution and the we should just believe in the miracle of nature.
Earlier on the tube, I have thought to myself that perhaps our incarnation – how we come to be awake – is that the world calls us into consciousness to fulfil a function or purpose. While there may be no afterlife, the 'bigger purpose' of the Earth and the universe is of more importance that we do not and cannot yet understand.
Towards 11pm I felt tired but said nothing. And then I ended up staying past Matt and Sina going. As I stayed and drank more, past 1am where I told Phil about my current mental health issues which he seemed surprised about, saying he had 'the utmost admiration' for me. I guess I have a hard time accepting my own life.
Around 2am Phil landed a bombshell. He recounted in his PhD time in Kenya when he accidentally ran someone over. He is still experiencing PTSD and drank a whole load of whisky recounting the story. Rachel and I were shocked, and I started to feel complicit. But I said there was no point in punishing himself and that he had to find a way to forgive himself, make amends or make peace with the situation.
At 330am we decided to go to bed but due to cocaine I tossed and turned until 5am when I decided to leave and Ubered home (in a black Mercedes no less). At 5.30am, I got home, went to bed. Again tossed and turned util about 7.45am when I decided to get up and go to work.
I hd all intentions of starting on 'the validation document' but instead ended up talking to my colleagues Helena and Sylvie. Sylvie was peed off with Kathy, the programme leader, who has not been leading on Media and Communications. Helena was worried about the new person they had employed – Terry – and how he hadn't responded to her emails. I told her she needed to relinquish a certain amount of control and wait for him to respond.
While sat there googly-eyed on lack of sleep and cocaine hangover, I did marvel at my diplomatic skills and think I am not being paid enough. I should be in a managerial position. That is still completely possible though!
Sylvie later came into my office upset and crying. The craziness at work is getting out of hand and this is not how staff should be behaving. The culture at UEL is getting way out of hand.
The day became harder and harder, and the only reason I went in was because I thought I was seeing students at 11.30am and had a meeting at 1pm. Both items fell through and so I sacked the rest of the day off and walked home. I felt horrendously guilty and started to feel bad about my decision to take drugs. I know better and it is certainly not the right time, while I'm on medication, to be partying.
Because I was so tired, I fell asleep on the sofa around 3pm, then woke up at 5.30pm. I then started to pile loads of pressure on myself – why I wasn't making progress, the possibility of dying having never done anything I wanted etc etc etc So I decided to meditate for 15 minutes.
Focus.
So I made a bad choice but I can choose to end that cycle. I went to get a coffee from Costa – a regular skinny hazelnut latte. This week the validation document has to be in and so I have no choice but to focus on that. I do not have many social engagements and so I can take it easy, focus on exercise, meditation and self care. I took another look at the document and spent about an hour adjusting things before deciding I would get up early tomorrow and start he document at 8am. I intentionally ruined my body and I should learn my lesson.
I am coming to accept the transient nature of life and that we can only be significant for a certain period of time. Listening to The Power of Now again has helped me realise that both power and powerlessness comes from accepting that all we have is right now and this is all that can lead us to enlightenment and happiness.
Now I so badly wish I could get on with and enjoy my life.
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