The past two days have been extremely stressful because of work. At some point on Tuesday morning – around 3am – it struck me that what my colleagues were doing was not okay. It was tantamount to passive-aggressive bullying. There they were squirrelling away at a proposal thinking they had gotten all the control back over the revalidation. And the dean and Head of School had sent completely the wrong message – that it was okay to do that because you'll get what you want and get away with it.
On Tuesday I gave a lecture to the first years about what we were expecting from their first year branding presentations before waiting around for the SQLTC, where I voiced my dissatisfaction with the process. My manager Suzanne also feel as though she has been undermined and wronged by the process, so we're a bit stuck in all honesty. Because the decision came from above, we're both a bit powerless to do anything.
I went home early to try and get a nap after waking early, but couldn't find piece. I just felt fuming the whole time. I found myself being absorbed in my phone, unable to find peace – it even stopped me doing exercise though I defied that by going out at 8pm for a half hour run.
My colleague Julia text me to say she had met with Paul Gormley from 'the 11' who went through the proposal with her. This wound me up even more. The fact they had thought about it and that module titles existed and not shared them with anybody sent me round the bend. I didn't reply to Julia, who then called me after a while to check I was okay. I nearly did not call, but it is spinning me out.
I tried to go to bed early, but couldn't really sleep, so set up camp on the sofa. I drifted off, then woke up again around 2.45am. My mind was whirring still and I was up until 5am before finally drifting off and waking up around 8am. I sent an email to Suzanne expressing how annoyed I was and how we should talk about the situation, but then on walking to the university and listening to Jen Sincero I decided to say to myself, "So they have won. Well done them. Best to let it go."
I resolved this to myself in my mind. Admit defeat and try to carry on. I saw Jonathan Hardy in the corridor and barked a 'hi' at him (dick) before going to the workshop for CC6704. I saw Andrew Branch (another dick) talking to Julia and I ignored him. It was immature and I regret it but I really didn't know what to say to him. All of those people that signed the letter think it's okay to be hostile and mean to colleagues.
The students probably sensed I was down and they filled in their module feedback form. I'm not looking forward to the results after so many cancellations and ups and downs. I was going to go straight home but I stayed for a little bit and Suzanne forwarded me the plans from 'the 11'. Underwhelming. A list of generic module titles. And I thought... is this what we have been waiting for?
I cheered up when Helena from QA told me similar models had been kicked back by QA and this made me feel like I had a bit of power again. I went to see Julia and David Gray who had taken the third years after me, and we tried to help the Burger King group come up with an idea.
Julia and I stayed for coffee and we chatted and chewed and dissected all of the issues. I told her Simon had tol me to make a formal complaint, which she was shocked about. I just feel tired and fried. But most of all, I feel like UEL is distracting me from what my real focus should be. I was supposed to come back, relax and be able to enjoy my life a bit better. Instead it has been full on chaos. I don't think I can even deliver what they are asking in the time frame they are asking it.
And quite frankly, it serves management right for doing this.
I went into town at 6.30pm to see Thiago and met him at Joe the Juice. He's really handsome, but he only talked about business. It was a business meeting, but he didn't really seem to have a sense of humour and so it felt hard to 'vibe' off of him and know what to do. He kept talking about various business ideas or video concepts or content strategies, but I didn't really feel excited by them.
One thing that did come out of the meeting though is that I should just start committing to small things. Like social media - I've proved to myself I can do it, so I should make videos and photos and not be afraid to showcase the real me.
But I am frazzled. And this drama at UEL is 'fake news' compared to the rest of my life. I should be focusing on joy and purpose. Instead I'm going off at the deep end.
I think I will have a chat tomorrow about relieving myself of the responsibility of validation tomorrow at work. But for now I'm going to run a bath and have a glass of wine.
No comments:
Post a Comment