Easter weekend

Saturday was Matt's birthday, so I knew it would be a crazy one. I woke up, formatted all my references for my chapter and then sent it around 1pm. It probably could use some more redraft time but it is better for them to see something than for them to keep waiting for nothing. I can always get more feedback in peer review.

I then went for a quick 4k run, showered and freshened up my high fade with a new cut. I really love my edgy new do. The woman in the barber shop had a son who wanted to play in the bouncy castle, so I gave her an extra £2 for her son to go on the ride.

I met up with Rachel before the party and we drank an M&S mojito in a can a la Diane Abbott scandal (delicious by the way - worth getting caught for). When we arrived at Matt's party, a couple called Emma and Alex were there. We sat and enjoyed the sun, Sina, Matt's gf and I, compared notes on being slobby and she invited me to her hen night.

Shamefully we ended up doing cocaine (again) and I severely regret that. Emma and I ended up talking bout cosmology, the nature of life the world and everything, and her job as an infectious disease doctor. I really want to see her again.

The party went on till 6am but I should have left way before. Got an Uber back home with a chatty driver, but I was not in the mood. Dreaded the fact that I had to go out again on Sunday.

However on Sunday, I tried to nap at certain points during the day but I ended up going to see Andy around 2pm. We did a bar crawl around new cross and he told me about his new transgender fancy person and his new status as being non-binary. It was really pleasant to see him and we enjoyed a bit of the sun. I told him about all the issues I've been having lately, about my amateur interest in cosmology lately and about how to go forward in life.

When I got home, I fell asleep on the sofa and woke up around 9pm with a pounding headache. I wrapped myself up and watched Family Guy, then went to sleep around midnight.

Bank Holiday I decided that I would finally have to clean up my place. I did a very light clean and collected all the rubbish, but took it easy from the party fallout. I napped all day and then david called around 4pm, so i arranged to meet him at 6 at the Retro bar. I was having a 'down day' and the oppressive thoughts about death started to get to me again. I thought I was making progress but it was a little setback. David geed me up, and then a guy called Tony came round for some sex. He did his PhD in climate change and we ended up drinking a bottle of wine! I didn't come and I ended up falling asleep on the sofa, woke up to find him leaving.

Today I spoke to someone from the NHS and finally got a referral for all of my deep thinking and how to progress past this. The Spanish woman on the phone said it was 'very interesting' talking to me. Yes of course it is – I'm a nutbar. Then Dan rang me and I found he was still really upset about Courtney, really down. I met him at Stratford and we had a burrito at Tortilla while he told me Courtney had been out till 5am and is even more insistent on going. I can see in his eyes he wants to keep crying. It is so hard for him right now.

When I got home, I chatted on What'sApp with some guy in Alicante who wants to meet up in Madrid. I then had another nap (!) and started packing for Madrid. Tomorrow morning I go and I'm looking forward to some much-needed headspace...