Because my first engagement was a meeting at 10.30, I decided to still go for a run, still do some kettlebell exercises but to do it in my own time. Self-care has to be the most important thing right now after such a core-shaking experience. It made me feel better, and I paused to enjoy every single moment. I don't want days to pass me by anymore, or to be frantic, or to just let time slip away from me.
I've got to stop being so hard on myself. For the next few weeks, I have to take it easy and realise that what I have already done and achieved in my life is enough. I need to take deep breaths, spoil myself, do things I love to do, feel the sun on my face, enjoy simple pleasures and try to calm the voice inside me. To give life a chance!
I knew I was running ten minutes late to my meeting, so I texted in advance to say so because taking my damn sweet time was more important for my head than anything else. I had to go to University Square Stratford to talk to our head of civic engagement, Gail May. We were discussing a summer project to get young people from Newham involved in the university, and she relayed a story of a young boy who walked into one of their youth centres and was stabbed. It nearly made me cry, to be honest. I was so saddened that this stuff was happening and my colleagues were eschewing 'the death of cultural theory' in the academy. If you want to do something to change the world, change the horrific things happening on your doorstep.
Also present at the meeting was Anthony Nwachukwu, who works on music production and was very passionate about community engagement. I was very excited by his ideas and we decided that this summer we would work together on a four-day workshop in which young people would form their own band, write their band bio and 'band identity', produce a 1 minute track and film a short social media promo for it. Then they would pitch their band on the last day and present what they have made. Gail agreed that we would apply for funding from the Office for Students, and I'm very excited about how this could be realised - this is set to happen in June.
Afterwards I took it very slowly back to my office in Docklands where I Julia swung by my office, and I confided in her I had a rough weekend and that I was in tears on Saturday. She told me she wished I had called her, but I don't know how much 'crazy' I want to disclose! I told her I wanted to go and hug animals in Africa and remember what is important in life. She said that she just wanted to go for walks in ruins in Essex and it was telling that I said 'Africa' as to how far I wanted to move away from all of this.
We had a quick one hour lunch before the BA Advertising Programme Committee Review where Ben, Shanel, Nicole, John Sugrue and Luca were present along with IT Richard and Library Simone. Sabiha took notes. The students generally reported positive things and I mentioned the strategic portfolio development, which was well received.
Afterwards I taught Campaign Design and Execution, and KD2.18 was filled with journalism students. They played music and annoyed me, so it was hard to spend time with the groups. Jess's group and the Durex campaign is on track. Katie, Stefan and AJ have an okay campaign with Bacardi – a competition where people can win a mentorship. I don't want to interfere too much as it will become my idea not theirs. Lucia the Spanish girl opened up some rank-smelling pasta dish that smelled of garlic, then got annoyed with me when I told her to eat it outside of the room. At 3.30pm, I started to dip again, feeling anxious, and so I set the students up to delegate their tasks for next week then retreated to my office.
I focused again - 30 minutes answering emails. Then my colleague Anna Robinson came in to discuss how foundation level will feed into the main undergraduate media programmes. I allowed myself to become absorbed in the conversation and feel good about what we were planning for the students. I think we managed to create a very cohesive structure and that we had met the requirements from management. The creative strategy I am great at and enjoy so much! Delivery will be the next phase, but it's a bridge you have to cross...
I came home feeling good about myself and thinking I am making a difference and I am creating positive impact. I had booked to go to a Creative Entrepreneur's networking evening with The Tomorrow Network. At the event, Liverpool Arts Society and a woman named Kaya who had set up her own agency did a live podcast from 31 Below in Marylebone. I met a French journalist called Alys who was studying and MA in Journalism at City University. I also introduced myself to Kaya to tell her about my social enterprise Creative Wave and the person organising the network who was also called Allan (!) but was French. I briefly met a guy called George who was developing an app called Honeypot. In my opinion, it was a bit too Sloane-y for me, but I sipped a Diet Coke (no drinking at the moment) and basked a little in being in the company of people who were motivated to do their own creative things.
On the way home, I detected 'the death anxiety' again, causing me discomfort. The tube gets me... Seeing all the people everywhere and thinking about the fact they will all die. Someone posted a story on Facebook about how we wouldn't be able to blow a meteor out the sky if it came towards the earth, which set my senses ringing...
It started to rain, which feels very comforting at the moment – these 'big sky' things we can't control and make us feel alive. Munching on some nuts and having a cup of green tea, my predominant thought about today is how long and full the day can be if you really enjoy it. I want to enjoy the fullness of every day from now on and not let it speed by. Simultaneously, I have to 'trust' in the day because I'm still finding drifting off to sleep hard. i need to have faith in the passing of days, enjoy the flow each day brings and try to be in the moments.
Most of all, I have to stop thinking I can control or predict the future, that I will feel better about the future if I know exactly what will happen and that a fundamental truth of life is none of us knows what will happen in the next five minutes, let alone months or years. I need to get comfortable with living in this space of uncertainty – of not knowing what happens. That is just the way of life and no matter how much I think about it or confront it, it is not going to change the very fabric of life, time and nature.
And when that gets hard, focus on getting through the next 20 minutes.
| A gratuitous picture of Paul Smith in Marylebone |
No comments:
Post a Comment