In the background all day I've been feeling low-level anxiety that made it difficult to focus throughout the day and I'm hoping it's just a combination of too much red wine at the weekend coupled with not sleeping very well. What starts now is that I am punishing myself because instead of feeling on it, okay and ready to tackle everything, I waste time by trying to take care of my mental health. The time I most need to get an onward trajectory going with my businesses is the time she has come back to shake me to my core with a vengeance.
I woke up around 8.20am deciding not to exercise as I usually might as Damien was in my bed. I got up, took a shower and felt the coldness of fear inside me... I am reminded of this time last year when I worked at Time Inc. When I was at my lowest point, I spent a Friday night taking MDMA with my friend Ange and stayed up till 7am, but continued to take drugs through to 2pm on the Saturday. It was bitterly, bitterly cold – it dropped to 1 degree overnight and snowed. After a sleep, I saw my friends Dil, Paul, Jill and Harj at the White Bear in Kennington and I told them what had happened. I then went to my friend Craigs, who was having a party, dropped a pill and stayed up till 2am again.
I went to work on the Monday sorely depressed. I spent the whole day close to tears and I knew that I couldn't continue working there, couldn't continue in the situation I was in. I tried not to cry for the whole day, went outside and called my friend Dil and David in tears. I was really, really miserable. Whether it was drug-induced (e.g. Blue Monday) or it was something more, something had to give.
Writing the above paragraph has made me reflect on that excess and how I could have really raised my own frequency to overcome that – to say no. I had the intelligence and the restraint to do it, but somehow I lapsed into it. Drugs give the illusion that things are okay, but quite often make things so much worse in the long run.
That was a long way of explaining I'm feeling some residual PTSD from last year, heightened by the terrible up and down time I had over the weekend. Because of that I mooched around quietly and awkwardly, dressed in blue jeans, a white shirt and a pastel pink blazer and ushered Damien out the house.
It was a slow start to the day. I bought a coffee from Coffee Lounge and took the morning very slowly. I took the DLR to King George V and walked to UEL from there, sipping my coffee and listening to Jen Sincero's 'You're A Badass at Making Money'.
I found the day mostly distracting and even though I should be revising the cluster document and making extensive changes, my mood is making me unfocused. I walked around the corridors trying to find Helena – the head of QA – to talk about the cluster corrections but I couldn't find her. Then I went to get a cup of Earl Grey and a banana to try to settle my nerves. It made me feel slightly better.
I met my colleague Sylvie Prasad and talked to her about the letter from the 'anti-media' cluster. We broadly agreed, saying that it was too little too late and all of their concerns such as lack of resources were foregrounded in the validation document, suggesting they hadn't read it.
After that I had a meeting with Esme, the school manager, and Helena to discuss the cluster documentation. Helena came up with a long list of 'to-dos' for the programme leaders. This, of course, worried me because we already had a letter stating certain programmes would refuse to do this. Conversely, actively refusing a request could lead to a HR disciplinary. To that end, Esme requested that Suzanne, my manager, sent out the list so if colleagues decide not to do it then they are actively refusing a request from their manager.
Straight afterwards was a meeting with my students Paige and Debbie. I asked Paige to accompany me to the canteen and I had a soup and salad. We talked about how well the format for last week went and we decided they would hold an editorial meeting in the same way this week and work towards finishing the magazine.
Then my student Ben came to see me about my two businesses, which I mentioned to him last Wednesday. He is interested in helping out with Creative Wave and the Atelier. I always wanted to get him involved with the projects as he is a talented videographer and editor. He gave me some ideas about providing a studio and space that is not intimidating and people can use to hire equipment and not be afraid to ask for help. This could provide an additional income stream for the Atelier.
In between meetings, I fantasised about moving into my 'dream Atelier' – a £1950-a-month apartment in Ability Plaza in Dalston. I could feasibly rent out a room on Air BnB or on a long term basis to supplement the part of the Atelier that I cannot fund. However, the way I feel today, it feels like the project is too big. I don't want to go too far down the road of negative thinking.
I decided to go home around 3pm – about 2 hours ago – and the residual anxiety is in my head. I decided to try to lie down, but it didn't work. So then I decided to start writing this journal to make me feel better. I am hoping this is a temporary state of mind. I don't want to retreat into bad thought patterns and lapse into apathy, which feels very easy to do right now. I am trying to hold on to my doctor's appointment on Friday to get their opinion. I hope I manage to resolve this conundrum in my head enough to live my life and achieve happiness.
8.15pm
I ended up getting really upset and phoning CALM (Campaign Against Living Miserably) in tears. Rather than having a 'neutral' operator, I had one who had a stern, and probably much-needed, frank talk with me. I said I had been thinking about death and she said, why would you think about death? Are you in ill health? And I said no... I'm a healthy 35 year old man. And she said, "Give life a chance!"... She told me the universe was tapping me on the shoulder and saying 'Listen mate - you've lost your way but I am here'.
She spent a long time on the phone to me and I was actually very glad. Had the universe been trying to give me a signal, it was this. She started talking to me about all the things I've been reading about like wealth consciousness, about how we're all connected to one another. She told me that I had not been living my life from a place of joy, that I was too cerebral and if I started living my life from that place of happiness then good things will happen – I would soon start to see that. She told me to run, to meditate, to find the things that make me happy. She told me to take a break – she even asked if it was possible for me to have two month break from work to go on a retreat and I said I could probably take three weeks to a month off and she said... Do it. She said go to the doctor and get medication if you want but 'I don't think you need it'. Wow. Refreshing.
After the phone call I thought... God. Even if she has just read Jen Sincero's books or was into the same things I was then that was a mighty clear signal. It made me think why have I been racing through life, measuring it in achievements and lists and ticking boxes when in fact I could have thought about me and my happiness. It's unlikely I will die in the near future, so would it be so bad if – even if it was just for two years – I took time to focus on being happy, joyful and unafraid of the not-yet-seen? Am I able to live every moment – to leap in ecstasy? To pump my body full of exercise and life? To try to approach life from a place of joy rather than fear?
These days blurring into one have panicked me into thinking my life is speeding me by when in fact I want the opposite – to be able to live every second and do things joyfully.
I went for a short walk by the river, somewhat refreshed and amazed, and then I bought myself an ice cream and ate it.
I picked up my guitar, which I haven't done in about 10 years, and started to play a song I wrote when I was 20. The lyrics go:
Slipping in, slipping out, slipping through, slip away
The things that fall into my bed never seem to stay
I masquerade another day that fits into my lie
and when I dream it always seems i have to question why – so why?
Why do I feel this hate?
Will I realise my fate?
Does it lie with someone else?
Or is the answer just within yourself?
How insightful, I thought.
I am running a bath for myself... I'm halfway between taking it easy for the night or trying to accomplish some things for the evening. But thank you, if it is you universe, for giving me a verbal slap in the face.
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