Hitting snooze and a year of being genderqueer

And so just like that, I let another month pass.

I guess I did it intentionally this time. I let the days slip by because I wanted to see what was important to remember and what was not. I have started to worry less about certain things. Whether that is the citalopram or finally realising that all my thoughts, all this egoistic intertwining and mulling and chewing over and over and over everything does not mean a damn and it does not serve me either. If, really, there is only oblivion, if we are alone. If God is a construct, if we're just floating around on this planet what I think, what you think, what anyone thinks does not make a damn bit of difference in the long run.

I no longer feel guilty for being gay. I no longer care what people think about me being queer. I no longer worry if I have caught HIV even though I'm on PrEP and wear a condom or ask lovers to wear condoms. In fact, I let someone cum inside me.

Last weekend I took a crap load of MDMA two days in a row and I didn't feel guilty. I didn't feel sad and I didn't really get a comedown. In fact, I felt good. Something being 'bad' or ;good; is a value judgement and I don't know where those values come from anymore, or whether they are valid.

Some things are only useful to you right now. The way you feel, your job, money. Some things you can give that are useful to other people and I guess in many ways these are some of the best things.

I find myself less able to get angry. I check myself when I'm getting anxious. These are positive things.

I have started dating again: I went out with a 'Peckham geez' 2 weeks ago called Charlie and I fuked some guy from my work name, funnily, Guy the weekend before last.

My birthday happened, which was a depraved affair with pills, cocaine and Daniel's flat.

Daniel and I have become close. Perhaps out of necessity for him rather than for me. But in a strange and weird karmic pattern I find now that people are relying on me for help, and it is my turn to help them. I feel like in the past I have relied so much and so heavily on my friends that now I am able to return the favour. In many ways I am grateful I could have such a turn to do this: I've always been the needy one, but as my resolve gets stronger and my inner peace gets greater, I can be the rock.

I went to a 50th birthday party on Saturday and bumped into a friend, Fraser, and his friend's friend Carlie. I was in full make up and she said, my look wasn't outrageous, it was 'just cool'. And that made me feel that maybe showing these pieces of who I really am will pay off eventually.

Still inside, I feel there needs to be a change. Maybe moving to a different city, starting a new career.

But most of all I think having the courage to be myself will be the first step on the road to a wonderful story. Make up, kitten heels, Paul Smith and all.

Leaving Madrid and a temporary housemate

The Friday turned out to be a very productive day. I toured the Plaza De Mayor, went to the Palace of Madrid and strolled through Retiro Park. Inside there was a crystal palace with an exhibition of sculptures. Recently I've been trying to take pictures of people looking at art, so I tried to get snaps of people interacting with sculptures. One thing I've noticed is that the Spaniards are very serious about not touching or photographing art!

I had menu of the day at another cafe, which ended up being a delicious carrot soup with goat's cheese followed by steak and two pints of beer. I read more of East of Eden before going back to the hotel and having a sleep.

I ventured out for a 'pre-drink' cocktail and had a gin martini at this antiques shop turned cocktail bar then went to a bar crawl hosted by a guy named Paul. There I met two Chinese people 'Ee' and 'One-tee', an american couple called Arthur and Sam, and a girl from Uruguay called Virginia. We went to a cocktail bar and I felt like I was leading the conversation, where Paul tried to talk about history. The same was true of when he took us to the oldest bar in the area and we had vermouth and soda. The most exciting thing we did was go to a drag bar where we saw some spanish drag. I had no idea what they were saying and I hid at the back. THEN we went to a bar called Why Not? They played disco and 80s, and of course I couldn't help but throw myself into some dane moves, which then started Arthur, which then started everyone else. It was so much fun.

When they left, everyone hung around so I just invited everyone back. I ordered pizza but surprisingly it never came. Then everyone left around 3am, but the pizza arrived. I woofed down a few slices before going to sleep.

On Saturday I decided not to do anything but roam around Malasañas looking at clothes and going to bars. I popped in and out of my house before deciding to have a sandwich at a local bar and doing a self-help exercise of writing down my limiting subconscious beliefs and overturning them with a 'new story'

I decided to stay in on Saturday evening and drank a bottle of wine, spoke to my mum on the phone and bitched about my sister's boyfriend before ordering sushi and going to sleep.

I had a plane to catch at 8.50am the next day, so I woke up at 6.30, packed my stuff and left. I was releived to be going back so early, but the night before when I was deep in thought about cosmology and the nature of the universe, my friend Andy texted me and said he was homeless. AGAIN. So I told him to come stay at my place.

When I touched down at 10.10am, he said he would come round that afternoon. So I hurried home to Woolwich and – literally – painted my nails. As soon as I did it, I found like I had discovered 'the missing element'. I've never been good at painting my own nails but as soon as I saw them silvery-white I thought... This kind of fits. I waited around for Andy but he didn't arrive until around 5.45pm (after telling me he would leave at 2.50pm). We went for a drink at the Equitable and shared stories. I got upset about my life. Sometimes when  verbalise things out loud, I realise just how messed up my head is at the moment.

We drank a lot, came home, watched Dragula and ate a spaghetti bolognese I made. Then I drank another bottle of red wine to delay the inevitability of work tomorrow. I think I talked a load of crap to Andy - I can't really remember what I said now.

Waking up this morning, I felt a little bit sad and expected a lot of drama in my inbox. However, when I finally got down to it, I missed a meeting - which i don't feel sorry about - and it was the usual student gripes with work. The journalism students were the worst. Nonetheless I consulted my colleague Andrew Calcutt and we discussed the best course of action. I decided to spend time with the students in the late afternoon going through the mag page by page.

At 2.30pm there was a departmental meeting, which was a ginormous letdown. The head of school was supposed to be reprimanding people for their behaviour towards me but instead ended up being about course development. It was a bit of a wet blanket and the whole episode has just made me realise no one has my back at UEL. I work with some very nasty people and now I have decided for my own sanity to put myself first. I'm not risking my mental health for them again.

From 4.30pm onwards I spent time with my students and I quite enjoyed rewriting all the heads and sells with them. And I thought... I can quite happily go back to doing this. Screw them. Screw management. Screw the work. Me. I matter.

Yes to life. I say yes to life. For one year, I am going to welcome life and live it. This weekend I'm going to the salon underneath my house and asking them to paint my nails silver. That's what I'm focusing on.

I went for a 6k run and Andy made some tortellini for dinner. I still feel a little hungry but I decided to go next door to my bedroom and quickly finish this blog before bedtime.

We may be spinning on a globe in the middle fo nowhere, but I now say come on universe – show me what you've got.

Welcome to Madrid

It’s A Friday at around midday in Madrid. It is reaching 17 degrees Celsius and I am writing this in order to get some thoughts down.

The day I arrived in Madrid it was raining - pouring heavily. I’d arranged to meet a British guy from Alicante for some daddy/son play. He came to my apartment and he treated me like his slutty son, dressing me in gstrings and tying me in bondage, getting me to call him daddy before finally tying me to a chair and milking me.

I then went on a short exploration tour of Madrid, walked round the gay area even though it was mostly closed and headed into a burger joint for safety while it poured down with rain. I bought some red wine to drink and thought I would finish by reading east of Eden, but fell asleep on the bed.

On Thursday I decided to do my ‘most wanted’ thing which was to see Guernica at the Reina Sofia. I loved the gallery but got told off for taking a selfie with said painting. I also got to see the Bauhaus ballet costumes and was entranced by a self portrait by Ponce de Leon. He died at 30 in the Spanish civil war.

I had lunch at a gorgeous taperia with Spanish beans, meat roll and cheesecake, served with a beer all for €12 - a bargain!

I then went to the Prado and there were no photos anywhere. It was all a bit too Jesusy for my taste anyway. All a bit overwhelming when going through an existential crisis. 

I came home for a nap and slept till about 6.30. After I toured Masalañas where all the cool vintage shops and indie bars are. I bought myself a pale blue trilby that fits very snugly. Haven’t decided how I feel about it but I’m wearing it as I write this - you know, for size.

I then decided to be adventurous by booking myself on a bar crawl but it was a dud. Spoke to a Russian guy called Roman who felt the same as me so I had one gin and tonic the left for the gay area Chueca. I had another drink in a bar called The Paso bar, but stood their awkwardly - I hate pickup places.

I went home and ordered a burger and Patatas Bravas, then fell asleep.

This morning I woke up, went on Grindr and found a hot bulky Spaniard to have sex with. He was very passionate and his tanned body and dark hair were so sexy. 

I returned to my apartment now I’m wondering how to spend the day

****

As an aside, I am still thinking of my own mortality. All roads lead back to the same path. If death is inevitable then all we can control is how we live.

I have decided to make some changes when I return to the UK. One is to move. I don’t necessarily care too much about the Atelier now but I do need to be one step closer to going. The other is to give myself 2 years of really investing in myself and my creative projects. If it doesn’t work I can go back to what I was always doing.

I’m getting fed up of my own excuses and stories. I’d like to prove to myself I can do anything I put my mind to

Easter weekend

Saturday was Matt's birthday, so I knew it would be a crazy one. I woke up, formatted all my references for my chapter and then sent it around 1pm. It probably could use some more redraft time but it is better for them to see something than for them to keep waiting for nothing. I can always get more feedback in peer review.

I then went for a quick 4k run, showered and freshened up my high fade with a new cut. I really love my edgy new do. The woman in the barber shop had a son who wanted to play in the bouncy castle, so I gave her an extra £2 for her son to go on the ride.

I met up with Rachel before the party and we drank an M&S mojito in a can a la Diane Abbott scandal (delicious by the way - worth getting caught for). When we arrived at Matt's party, a couple called Emma and Alex were there. We sat and enjoyed the sun, Sina, Matt's gf and I, compared notes on being slobby and she invited me to her hen night.

Shamefully we ended up doing cocaine (again) and I severely regret that. Emma and I ended up talking bout cosmology, the nature of life the world and everything, and her job as an infectious disease doctor. I really want to see her again.

The party went on till 6am but I should have left way before. Got an Uber back home with a chatty driver, but I was not in the mood. Dreaded the fact that I had to go out again on Sunday.

However on Sunday, I tried to nap at certain points during the day but I ended up going to see Andy around 2pm. We did a bar crawl around new cross and he told me about his new transgender fancy person and his new status as being non-binary. It was really pleasant to see him and we enjoyed a bit of the sun. I told him about all the issues I've been having lately, about my amateur interest in cosmology lately and about how to go forward in life.

When I got home, I fell asleep on the sofa and woke up around 9pm with a pounding headache. I wrapped myself up and watched Family Guy, then went to sleep around midnight.

Bank Holiday I decided that I would finally have to clean up my place. I did a very light clean and collected all the rubbish, but took it easy from the party fallout. I napped all day and then david called around 4pm, so i arranged to meet him at 6 at the Retro bar. I was having a 'down day' and the oppressive thoughts about death started to get to me again. I thought I was making progress but it was a little setback. David geed me up, and then a guy called Tony came round for some sex. He did his PhD in climate change and we ended up drinking a bottle of wine! I didn't come and I ended up falling asleep on the sofa, woke up to find him leaving.

Today I spoke to someone from the NHS and finally got a referral for all of my deep thinking and how to progress past this. The Spanish woman on the phone said it was 'very interesting' talking to me. Yes of course it is – I'm a nutbar. Then Dan rang me and I found he was still really upset about Courtney, really down. I met him at Stratford and we had a burrito at Tortilla while he told me Courtney had been out till 5am and is even more insistent on going. I can see in his eyes he wants to keep crying. It is so hard for him right now.

When I got home, I chatted on What'sApp with some guy in Alicante who wants to meet up in Madrid. I then had another nap (!) and started packing for Madrid. Tomorrow morning I go and I'm looking forward to some much-needed headspace...

The lost weeks

Over the past few weeks, I've intentionally not been blogging to see what it was like to lose some time, but still... Since the 8th of March the momentum of time seems to have slowed down somewhat. Student formal presentations started in the week commencing the 8th April with Employment and Enterprise, Pitching for Business and Campaign Design and Execution all pitching. I am just glad they got through it to be honest. Julia and I went for a drink on the 11th April accompanied only by Ben, and it wasn't the monumental 'end of year' celebration we were both hoping for. I was pretty much finished by 7.30pm. I did some initial research for my Miss Vanjie chapter that Friday and met up with David - his last day of work before starting Keystone Capital.  Then David and I had a drink with Jilly at the Retro bar that Friday. I told Jill all about Kazakhstan and her friend from Belarus, Kate, was super-impressed feeling some former USSR vibes. Jill told me Dan and Courtney were separating, which is just awful. I texted Dan and he is really cut up.

I thought the next week would be super simple as teaching has officially finished and we were supposed to be on Easter break, but the journalism students were hassling me about their event for the launch of their magazine. I think I was super-harsh on them. Told them this needed to be an industry event - not a jolly on the university spend. I might have gone overboard.

Of course, the validation document took prime importance and I had to finish it by the 18th of April so that I could have a peaceful and restful holiday from 19-29 April. During the week, I started to ease off a bit as I thought I had it pretty much in hand and did the bare minimum amount of work. The biggest bit was herding everyone else into writing their module specs and sending individual bits of External Advisor feedback to the relevant person.

I also went to see Hassan, the dean, about the bullying in the department which he told me I was 'taking personally'. I was very taken aback at this and it made me realise that management do not really have my back at all. Ergo, the structure at UEL is somewhat fucked and I've pushed myself forward only to make myself vulnerable. It did somewhat put into perspective what my position is.

On the 17th April, I gave some proofing feedback on the magazine journalism students' proof and Paige and Debbie came to my office shouting at me for an hour. I literally sat there and listened with a smirk on my face. I know they are under a lot of pressure, but I had already stayed late (till 7pm) and now two students were making me stay later (till 8)to listen to them. I then decided to take them for a couple of drinks at the bar. They talked about True Blood and their sexual preferences (!), but I went home at 9pm. Felt bad for gossiping with them about departmental politics, but also they are level 6 and will finish soon.

I asked Suzanne if I could have a day off on the 18th April to do research in the British Library, so I finished the validation document first thing in the morning, then went off to the library. I found a really interesting thread about horror, Slender Man and transmedia storytelling. In my Miss Vanjie chapter, I liken her to a horror character. But instead of being an unwelcoming presence, she is a a presence that people call on. After my research I popped by to see Dan. He cried about Courtney wanting to separate and we had a couple of beers, chatted about it. It basically sounds like Dan wants to stay but Courtney s hell bent on leaving so she won't know how she feels until she goes. I ordered a nice curry on Thursday to round off the holiday.

Friday I dedicated JUST to writing the book chapter. Originally I wanted to get to 4000 words, but I ended up pushing 5000+ and deciding to wrap up the chapter and formatting it. Then I found out my Brazilian friend Alan Santos was over from Brazil with his boyfriend. We used to work together at a text chat channel called Gay Network over 14 years ago. I went to The Glory to meet him and I had a great time, but I felt sad because I tried to remember all the days/weeks/ nights we spent together when we were in our early 20s. Anyway, we had an awesome night voguing and I remembered why I loved him so much. I wish I could have spent more time with him.

Sometimes the reason I feel so sad when I can't remember things is because if consciousness were truly separate from brain, we would be able to recall everything. But we can't.

I took a cab home, even though I couldn't afford it, and went to sleep.

Jet lag comeback

All this week I think my body has been slammed by the awful jetlag from the trip to Kazakhstan and my very very late night on Sunday. So I've half been trying to take it easy on myself and half punishing myself for not achieving as much as I should.

I was very tired on Thursday and it is 'presentation season', which means sitting through a load of presentations. Formal assessments for most of my modules start next week but we had our first assessment for CC4703 - Branding in Theory and Practice. We had three groups, first one was Spartan Water - a protein water for sports guys. One of the team was late (Michael) but it was a good proposition from Dan and John.

Next up – Vasser from Luca, Neural and Bismark. This was a water aimed at young eco-conscious workers. I felt like they sold the biodegradable bottle more than they sold the water but hey ho. Still a 2:1.

Finally Pronto pasta, which was elevated by its creative execution of art deco font and pasta shapes. It was the best presentation of the day, even if this is not the best cohort of advertising students we've had.

All through the presentations I was being huffy about the students, mainly brought on by tiredness. I think Julia was worried about me. Plus the validation document was started to piss me off. It was a lot of work and I am getting nothing out of it. It's not like I get extra money – just the 'kudos' and with all their complaining I've been reduced to the department whipping boy.

We then had the dry run of presentations for the second years. Group 1 - Immie et al - have done well and just jumped ahead with their idea without explaining it. Julia went to town on them but really they just need to restructure it to avoid confusion. The second group came in and pitched 5 slides and I went in on them - got very angry - and one of them (Rebecca) began to cry. Tensions are high this time of year with all the assessments going on.

After ranting at Julia over lunch, I went to see the journalism students but only George and Andonis turned up. George told me that university deadlines had given him anxiety and he had started taking Sertraline. We then wandered around the university looking for a Mac lab until we found WB1.06. I waited for about half an hour, before taking George and Adonis for a quick coffee. I then when back to do more work on the document until 5pm, then I got annoyed with QA who were hassling me to meet the deadline. And then it just hit me - why am I breaking my own back to try and get this document in on time when I'm shouldering the responsibility for other colleagues not meeting the deadline.

I sat at home feeling absolutely shattered, but instead I decided to go to Peckham to meet Rachel and have a cocktail at Batch. I had a gin martini and 3 glasses of white wine. I asked if Phil had spoken any more about what we discussed on Sunday night. No – not at all.

Overall in mood I instead tried to revel in the moment. If this is what we have then there is no point spending one moment unhappy. In fact, it is pointless in life to be afraid of death because it affects the only bit we are conscious of!

I went back to Phil's with Rachel and we had ordered pizza (so hungry) and I was honest with her that I thought her and Phil would break up because she is ready to move out - and it doesn't look like there's much of a future. I don't even think he is well equipped to deal with what is happening to him.

I decided to get a cab home because I was way too tired, messaged Damien on Scruff and fell asleep around 11.30pm.

I woke up around 6am feeling really washed out, so I decided to get out of bed and watch Drag Race. In fact, I skipped most of Drag Race because it was some stupid Draglypmics episode where A'Keria C Davenport won, and she is the weakest contender I think. I then resigned myself to finishing the stupid document, cutting and pasting all mod specs into one long thing. I then asked Caroline from admin to format it for me, while I went for a long nap over lunch.

When I woke up, the formatting had been done, and so I sent it to the department, which made me feel anxious given their previous attitude. However, I decided to go for a long walk and I phoned Julia instead to tell her it was making me feel weird. I then decided that I had done enough for now – I was totally exhausted – and stopped answering to emails around 4.30pm.

I then fought against my laziness and tendency to depression and decided to clean the house, gather my clothes and take them for a service wash and get a damn haircut. I've been looking really shabby, so I decided to say fuck it and take the plunge. Eckhart Tolle says, "Any action is better than no action because if you make a mistake you learn and then make another change, but you take another step."

I took the plunge and went for a high fade and I LOVE IT! So pleased with it. The barber almost just gave me a number two at the back and sides, but I said, "No – give me the skin fade". I'm so pleased. I look so much more 21st century and fresh! I decided to book a brows appointment for Saturday to compliment it.

At home, I had about two and half glasses of red wine, felt very tipsy and poured myself a jasmine and orchid lush bath. I kept listening to the Power of Now and I am starting to realise to preoccupy oneself with questions around death is ultimately pointless. It happens to all of us. It is life that is the anomaly – a short blip of 70 or 80 odd years in which we have the pleasure of witnessing the Earth.

I feel bad for not going out, but also I realised I have to push myself to socialise more, see people, organise events, go out and find my joy.

Awakening on Saturday I felt much more refreshed than I had done since last week and I took it fairly easy. I rushed out at 10am because I forgot I had booked my brow appointment, got my brows done and returned to eat beans on toast. After pottering around for a bit, I edited together an old video of me saying Vogue over and over again and felt rather pleased with myself.

Some guy from Grindr named Stuart popped over for some mutual masturbation that was quite hot, but ultimately just a 20 min stop during the day.

I then played Hitman 2 for PS4 for about 2 hours before grabbing a shower. I told Craig I would go to the Chateau in Camberwell with him tonight so I'm currently waiting in my blue and red vintage short sleeve shirt waiting to call a cab!

Till next time...

Life is the null hypothesis

Over the past few days, my thoughts have been sinking back to the same beaten tracks, probably not helped by my weekend binge.

On Tuesday I woke and felt like I'd been slammed by a tonne of bricks – likely due to my total lack of sleep and damage I'd done to my body. I managed to haul myself to work listening more to The Power of Now and feeling quite serene. Sylvie came to see me first thing to talk about what happened. That she woke up in the middle of the night and thought to herself that her colleagues making her cry was not okay and that it needed to be fixed, and if there was anything she could do to help push through the validation, she would do it.

This sounds very similar to my experience a few weeks ago when my colleagues were permitted to make changes to the proposal, thereby sending the message that passive-aggressive bullying is okay.

I agreed with Sylvie - that it is not okay - and that something needed to be done.

I wanted to dedicate most of my time to formatting the validation document but as usual there were various interruptions at work. One of my second year groups came to see me (Jimi, Melody, Rebecca) to say they had nothing for their presentation next week. Basically they had focused on their Photographing the City presentation and thought they could wing it by making something up last minute.They are headed for a fail at this rate, but it is the time to let them fail as they need to learn their lesson.

We were supposed to see Hassan the Dean to talk about the atrocious behaviour in the cluster but he postponed. Andy Rees popped by to ask if I was okay, which I thought was nice of him.However, the news of my anxiety and mental breakdown spreading around the department doesn't really make me feel great.

I spent most of the day pointlessly formatting tables and writing what assessments went with what modules. I am hoping this document is a bare minimum pass. Julia and Sylvie were amrking presentations for Photographing the City and swung by at the end of the day and invited me for wine and chips. After having coffee and chocolate, I decided to join them. Initially I tried to have a diet coke, but ended up drinking white wine with them.

We ended up botching a lot about work. I think the tide is turning with the media 11. People are starting to realise the cabal isn't all it cracked up to be and, of course, people are worried about their jobs. We did end up talking about the universe again for some reason.

I have been thinking that we fear death when in fact life is the null hypotheses - the weird anomaly outside of the norm. So why do we prize something so temporary when in fact we should accept that the world will endure?

We got really drunk after 3 bottles of wine and I walked home, picking up a McDonald's on the way back. I scoffed a Big Mac and talked to David on the phone before watching Hey Qween on the sofa.

I woke up at 1.10am with American Dad on the TV, and hauled myself to my proper bed. I slept somewhat disturbed and woke again around 7.30am. Feeling fuzzy headed, I wished I hadn't drank so much NOR eaten the McDonald's. I checked my phone for about 30 minutes before getting up and getting showered, feeling a somewhat grey veil over the day.

I took my journey to work very slowly, buying a skinny hazlenut latte from Costa coffee and walking in. The third years did a 'practice run' of their presentations. I felt very tired and unenthused, which is ashame. But quite frankly I feel ready for them to go, and I want it to be the end of the teaching year so badly. Jess's group presented Kinkex – an app for condom company Durex. Katie's group have a very bog standard strategy of El Torneo for Bacardi. The last group – Ben, Nicole and Gavin – presented a rather disappointing proposition for Burger King. And when I told them it would probably get a 2:2 they went into absolute meltdown.

They have had 12 weeks to figure this out, but they started blaming me for not being around (kazakhstan, mental breakdown). However we fleshed it out to come up with a PR-able idea - #BKKeepIt100. being 100% honest on social media about the whoppers they've told in the past.

Joela, a student having financial difficulties, popped by my office and just cried. I gave her some tough love saying that she had made excuses not to attend and saying you don't have enough money to get to uni is not satisfactory – if she can't afford it she will only make her problems worse. I did, however, give her a hug at the end of the conversation.

I tried really hard to keep formatting the document, but my mind just wandered. I instead set up a load of social media accounts for my new business – The Ideas Atelier. The company name got approved today and so I thought I would push it forward. But then I started to get bogged down in the details. Too many things, too thinly spread a focus.

I went to a training session on calling potential students to get them to accept their offers, which felt like we were turning into telemarketers rather than academics. Afterwards I decided to go straight home, being that I was tired.

The tiredness is getting to me and making the days blur into one, which is exactly what started my panic attacks in the first place. But I am a bit stuck until this validation document is done.

I went home and tried to nap for 2 hours but to no avail, so I decided to catch up with my blogging. I may go for a walk and have a bath before another early night. I clearly need a break from boozing and to flush out my system with water and exercise.