By the time we touched down at 9.30am in Heathrow I was without sleep and cranky as crap. Some German woman pushed me in the aisles because she was so worked up and desperate to get off and started shouting at me so I told her to fuck off. I feel bad about that, but in the grand scheme of things it doesn't mean much. Plus my manager Suzanne heard me swearing and thought it was funny.
I scampered off as quickly as I could, and went to my Addison Lee taxi. Luis, my driver, seemed to be Italian, but I decided not to engage in conversation, instead shutting my eyes at various points. We travelled endlessly round the M25. It was an extremely bright, extremely warm day and it was weird to be back in my 'macro life' when my thoughts have been expanding as far outwards as the edge of the universe and the billion billion years into the future.
As we went towards Woolwich, cutting through New Eltham, I started to talk to Luis. He had never been in the area and I told him that it was really nice and he should consider moving there. He decided he was going to take the ferry to city airport for fun. We also inevitably talked about Brexit and my recent trip to Kazakhstan, but I was relieved to finally arrive back at home at 11.30am after an impossibly long journey that had spanned a 26 hour day.
I dumped my luggage and went to bed straight away.
Waking at around 2pm, David rang me and I managed to persuade him to come to Woolwich later in the evening, and so I managed to have a quick shower and pull on some clothes. I then went to get coffee at the Coffee Lounge and came back home to watch RuPaul's Drag Race. It was the Halloween Ball episode and it severely lacked mind and imagination.
I also caught up with the newest episode of Crazy Ex Girlfriend and I felt slightly guilty for sitting watching TV, but I was way too tired to do anything productive.
David came round at about 6pm and we went for a drink in the Equitable. I stuck with red wine and launched into "I've been thinking about the universe and..."
"Woah woah woah," he said. "Woah."
It kind of made me realise that my thoughts tend to run away with themselves when I don't have anyone to speak with or talk to.
He is very happy about his new business and has got a great deal on the way he is paying tax for it, so that's good. I gifted David some Kazakh chocolate and a camel teddy we've called 'Humpy'.
David came back to mine and we ordered an Indian takeaway and danced around to Fleetwood Mac's Go Your Own Way and Girls Just Wanna Have Fun by Cyndi Lauper. He wanted to watch Drag Race so I showed him the edited highlights of the past few weeks. At about 9.30 he decided to go home, and I pulled my duvet into the living room and fell asleep on the sofa. I woke up again around 2am with American Dad on in the background on the TV. I put the timer on the TV, rolled over and fell asleep again, waking up at 6am.
This is probably a good thing, to get back on UK time. I spent the first hour of th morning scrolling through Tinder and Grinder, while at 7am, I watched the next episode of Crazy Ex Girlfriend. I then got up to go get a coffee and almond croissant at 8am and watched more crap while striking up a conversation with 'Matthew' on Tinder.
After chatting with him for a bit, we decided to meet up with each other. He lived in Beckenham, so I had a quick shower and left the house at 9.50am to catch the 54 bus. On the bus, I thought more profoundly about the temporality of things. Yes, I may be a finite being but it is perhaps quite freeing to know I will not live forever and will not have to worry forever. I turned my music up louder and enjoyed it all the more.
I met Matthew in Beckenham and we had coffee at a really nice cafe. I drank a skinny hazelnut latte and he had a skinny vanilla latte. He works for a travel tech company as an account director and he causally dropped in the conversation he had been single for only 6 months (!) and I panicked slightly. However, I still decided to hook up with him. Walking back to his flat, he talked about my intelligence and I said, "It's a curse! I think too much and have too many ideas... If I could just focus it would all be good!"
When we arrived I saw he was a total geek. He had a shelf of Disney things and he confessed to me he had been to Eurodisney, Disney World, Disney Land... Etc etc... He also was a huge Harry Potter fan. Griffyndor, as it happens.
After having sex, which mainly consisted of mutual masturbation, I gave him a back massage and then we cuddle for about 30 minutes. He came on very strong and was offering to take me on holiday or to a musical - anything I wanted. I gave casual and disguised answers. I hate it when I do this - try to be nice to someone. And I finally made my excuses to leave around 12.50pm.
I waited for the 54 bus back, even though I could have Ubered or similar, because I thought some open-air thinking time would do me good. As predicted, Matthew texted me straight away to say he wanted to keep in touch and isecurely asked me if I wanted to see him again. I texted 'yes, but I'm worried you're moving too fast already'. He relented, but I think he's 'that type' – clingy and serial monogamist. I listened to Meredith Brooks and Human League, thinking what a weird music taste I had until my phone switched off. I bought Hitman 2 for PS4 and started playing it. I scratched any evening plans and around 5pm I decided to head to Stratford to buy some Lush bath stuff. On the way, I started listening to Eckhart Tolle's The Power of Now. I have read it before about 6 or 7 years ago, but listening to him again really soothed me. It, of course, makes so much sense. We really have nothing but right now.
It is a good way to take my foot off the gas once again and to try to be mindful. I'm listening to it right now as I write this. It has made me relax tremendously.
I bought 4 bath oils and three bath bombs from Lush. The shop assistant seemed to think my splurge - £26 - was way too much. I got home about 2 hours ago (6pm-ish) and I tried to add more to my Kazakhstan blog but thought I would get these thoughts down before returning to this.
I wonder what Eckhart would say about writing a journal - is it a way of holding onto the past?
Anyway, off to have beans on toast for dinner, a bath and some red wine before bed.
Saturday, March 30, 2019
Friday, March 22, 2019
The equinox changes everything
The bath and the glass of wine was the best plan ever. So in the bath, while sipping a Cab Sav, I was listening to Jen Sincero. She said that participating in other people's drama feeds it, and so the more attention we give to them, the more it feeds their feelings and perpetuates the situation. To give this more thought and aggro is to do myself an injustice. I can rise above this.
After a stilted night of sleep that was somewhat more consistent than the rest of the week, I awoke and checked emails, somewhat depressed about having to get up and deal with the malaise. I checked my email – the publisher had gotten back to me in Australia to address some points the peer reviewers made. I got up, slowly got dressed, meditated for 15 minutes before David rang and I left the house.
I had to get in for 9am for a meeting with marketing, then promptly found out marketing had to cancel when I was walking over the bridge to UEL, making my early jaunt pointless. Then my mind suddenly flashed back. Hang on... The publisher emailed me to say they wanted minor revisions to my proposal. HANG ON - that means my book might actually be published! This is a big deal. This... Is a big deal.
By the time I got to UEL I was in a good mood and the media 11 sent their proposal to the whole cluster at around 9.20... It was ominous, but I decided to take the wind out of their sails:
"Thank you so much for your ideas. It's a shame we didn't manage speak earlier in the process as there are some very clear themes here – we just need to figure out how it fits in the existing rationale and how we then might deliver the validation document to a timely schedule.
Thank you also for your feedback and the adjustments you have made to my proposed module specs."
Collaborative, collegial and took the bite right out of their fight. It also put me straight back in the driving seat and established my credibility. I was buzzing with pride at myself and how I had managed to rise above the dross. My approach also brings everyone in the cluster back together.
I gave a lecture on pitching to about 5 (!) students and felt good about what I had done. I finished way too early – after about 40 minutes – and so I made sure the students had settled into their workshop and then went back to my office to reply to emails. I also went through the process of applying for my company name again and filling in the documentation. At the end I checked back in on them but they really are at a place where they can be working independently.
After lunch I taught the magazine journalism students who seem on track with their projects also. There was some tension between the editors Paige and Debbie and the art editor George, so to diffuse the tension I took George to the Print Centre to look at paper samples and get him focused on printing the magazine. We arrived back half an hour later with some pages to show the girls and everyone seemed appeased. I then sat in the journalism newsroom while they all worked, and I replied to the publisher's comments before asking them what they wanted to do for the launch event and how they would continue.
I arranged to see David after work for drinks and I managed to pop home quickly before getting the train to Charing Cross. I met David at the station and we went to the Retro Bar. I bumped into Paul, who I hadn't seen in ages, and I told him about the potential new book. He seemed a little jealous, which wasn't my intention. After two beers, David suggested going to see David Hoyle at the Royal Vauxhall Tavern, which I agreed to, and we said we would go to Dirty Burger beforehand. But when we got to the restaurant I started thinking about death and dying again. My heart sank. What a sad world we live in.
I told David what I was thinking and he said, "What if there's a winderful afterlife?"
"What if there's not?" I replied.
I decided to stop drinking when we got to the RVT. I had a Coke Zero and allowed myself to lose myself in the music and jigged around. I then decided to have a red wine, which actually relaxed me a bit, so I stuck to that for the rest of the evening. David was sensational as per usual. He was accompanied by Ebony Rose Dark and Tracy Barlow:
I bumped into a couple of people I know like Steven Warren and Matthew 'Joy' Jones. I ended up having about 3 or 4 glasses of wine, but I relaxed into it by the end of the night. I stopped Tracy Barlow and drunkenly slurred about how fabulous she was. I also spoke to another drag queen ho was a Marlene Dietrich impersonator and tried to get her to make me over.
I decided to get a cab home because I was too drunk and lazy to do otherwise. When I got home I switched on the TV to ITV2 to watch American Dad...
...and I must have fallen asleep because I remember waking up at 4am fully clothed. I then took my clothes off and wrapped myself up in my duvet, woke up again around 8am. I tried to get up, remembered I didn't really have to and went back to sleep for an hour.
Feeling muggy, I took a variety of pain pills and PrEP and went to get coffee, croissant and Skyr yoghurt. After settling in with all 3, I watched the newest episode of RuPaul's Drag Race (loving this season!) and then I decided to write a 3 month plan of threes, to be completed by June 22, 2019. The list reads:
Go on 3 dates
Make 3 new social media videos
Make 3 new photos
Go to 3 networking events
Find 3 performance workshops
See 3 performances
Go to 3 night clubs and dance wildly
Go to 3 club nights
Visit 3 countries (this is a cheat because I am visiting Spain, Belgium and Kazakhstan and I knew that)
Plan 3 more
Write 3000 words for my book
I spoke to Julia on the phone for an hour before leaving the house to go to UEL. She thinks the equinox and the super moon has refreshed the balance. The only purpose of going in today was to meet with two representatives from 'the media 11' to see if we could broker a compromise.
I got a piri piri chicken wrap, which I felt greedy and fat for eating (putting on weight again after losing loads when stressed and anxious). Then I saw Helena from QA and stomped around the campus. Luckily I bumped into Paul Gormley in the cafe queue and we had a brief chat, which kind of made the meeting at 2 less hard.
When Paul and Johannes came to my office, it was an amicable and positive conversation and I kept it upbeat and light. very positive about all of their ideas and comments and I decided to waive as much through as possible. There is a long game here and to temporarily appease the detractors will encourage harmony.
We agreed on a model and I sent it round to everyone, again sounding really positive about it. I have almost single handedly managed to restore the balance here and I went home at 4pm feeling really positive about myself and the work I had done, and now Kazakhstan was before me. I could do the document and let this play out, and finally get my head out of the woods.
I thought about dyeing my hair platinum blonde and redesigning myself. I needed to change and refresh and I want to have one cracking summer where I celebrate myself and my life. The effects of the wine from last night has me feeling heavy though, and so I just relaxed on the sofa when I got home, watched RuPaul's Untucked and went between napping and washing clothes. It's currently 8.30pm and I still haven't packed for Kazakhstan. I'm letting a wash dry before I stuff some things in a suitcase.
So yeah... I'm off to Kazakhstan tomorrow, which should be a strange and gnarly adventure. How many times in your life can you do that?
After a stilted night of sleep that was somewhat more consistent than the rest of the week, I awoke and checked emails, somewhat depressed about having to get up and deal with the malaise. I checked my email – the publisher had gotten back to me in Australia to address some points the peer reviewers made. I got up, slowly got dressed, meditated for 15 minutes before David rang and I left the house.
I had to get in for 9am for a meeting with marketing, then promptly found out marketing had to cancel when I was walking over the bridge to UEL, making my early jaunt pointless. Then my mind suddenly flashed back. Hang on... The publisher emailed me to say they wanted minor revisions to my proposal. HANG ON - that means my book might actually be published! This is a big deal. This... Is a big deal.
By the time I got to UEL I was in a good mood and the media 11 sent their proposal to the whole cluster at around 9.20... It was ominous, but I decided to take the wind out of their sails:
"Thank you so much for your ideas. It's a shame we didn't manage speak earlier in the process as there are some very clear themes here – we just need to figure out how it fits in the existing rationale and how we then might deliver the validation document to a timely schedule.
Thank you also for your feedback and the adjustments you have made to my proposed module specs."
Collaborative, collegial and took the bite right out of their fight. It also put me straight back in the driving seat and established my credibility. I was buzzing with pride at myself and how I had managed to rise above the dross. My approach also brings everyone in the cluster back together.
I gave a lecture on pitching to about 5 (!) students and felt good about what I had done. I finished way too early – after about 40 minutes – and so I made sure the students had settled into their workshop and then went back to my office to reply to emails. I also went through the process of applying for my company name again and filling in the documentation. At the end I checked back in on them but they really are at a place where they can be working independently.
After lunch I taught the magazine journalism students who seem on track with their projects also. There was some tension between the editors Paige and Debbie and the art editor George, so to diffuse the tension I took George to the Print Centre to look at paper samples and get him focused on printing the magazine. We arrived back half an hour later with some pages to show the girls and everyone seemed appeased. I then sat in the journalism newsroom while they all worked, and I replied to the publisher's comments before asking them what they wanted to do for the launch event and how they would continue.
I arranged to see David after work for drinks and I managed to pop home quickly before getting the train to Charing Cross. I met David at the station and we went to the Retro Bar. I bumped into Paul, who I hadn't seen in ages, and I told him about the potential new book. He seemed a little jealous, which wasn't my intention. After two beers, David suggested going to see David Hoyle at the Royal Vauxhall Tavern, which I agreed to, and we said we would go to Dirty Burger beforehand. But when we got to the restaurant I started thinking about death and dying again. My heart sank. What a sad world we live in.
I told David what I was thinking and he said, "What if there's a winderful afterlife?"
"What if there's not?" I replied.
I decided to stop drinking when we got to the RVT. I had a Coke Zero and allowed myself to lose myself in the music and jigged around. I then decided to have a red wine, which actually relaxed me a bit, so I stuck to that for the rest of the evening. David was sensational as per usual. He was accompanied by Ebony Rose Dark and Tracy Barlow:
I bumped into a couple of people I know like Steven Warren and Matthew 'Joy' Jones. I ended up having about 3 or 4 glasses of wine, but I relaxed into it by the end of the night. I stopped Tracy Barlow and drunkenly slurred about how fabulous she was. I also spoke to another drag queen ho was a Marlene Dietrich impersonator and tried to get her to make me over.
I decided to get a cab home because I was too drunk and lazy to do otherwise. When I got home I switched on the TV to ITV2 to watch American Dad...
...and I must have fallen asleep because I remember waking up at 4am fully clothed. I then took my clothes off and wrapped myself up in my duvet, woke up again around 8am. I tried to get up, remembered I didn't really have to and went back to sleep for an hour.
Feeling muggy, I took a variety of pain pills and PrEP and went to get coffee, croissant and Skyr yoghurt. After settling in with all 3, I watched the newest episode of RuPaul's Drag Race (loving this season!) and then I decided to write a 3 month plan of threes, to be completed by June 22, 2019. The list reads:
Go on 3 dates
Make 3 new social media videos
Make 3 new photos
Go to 3 networking events
Find 3 performance workshops
See 3 performances
Go to 3 night clubs and dance wildly
Go to 3 club nights
Visit 3 countries (this is a cheat because I am visiting Spain, Belgium and Kazakhstan and I knew that)
Plan 3 more
Write 3000 words for my book
I spoke to Julia on the phone for an hour before leaving the house to go to UEL. She thinks the equinox and the super moon has refreshed the balance. The only purpose of going in today was to meet with two representatives from 'the media 11' to see if we could broker a compromise.
I got a piri piri chicken wrap, which I felt greedy and fat for eating (putting on weight again after losing loads when stressed and anxious). Then I saw Helena from QA and stomped around the campus. Luckily I bumped into Paul Gormley in the cafe queue and we had a brief chat, which kind of made the meeting at 2 less hard.
When Paul and Johannes came to my office, it was an amicable and positive conversation and I kept it upbeat and light. very positive about all of their ideas and comments and I decided to waive as much through as possible. There is a long game here and to temporarily appease the detractors will encourage harmony.
We agreed on a model and I sent it round to everyone, again sounding really positive about it. I have almost single handedly managed to restore the balance here and I went home at 4pm feeling really positive about myself and the work I had done, and now Kazakhstan was before me. I could do the document and let this play out, and finally get my head out of the woods.
I thought about dyeing my hair platinum blonde and redesigning myself. I needed to change and refresh and I want to have one cracking summer where I celebrate myself and my life. The effects of the wine from last night has me feeling heavy though, and so I just relaxed on the sofa when I got home, watched RuPaul's Untucked and went between napping and washing clothes. It's currently 8.30pm and I still haven't packed for Kazakhstan. I'm letting a wash dry before I stuff some things in a suitcase.
So yeah... I'm off to Kazakhstan tomorrow, which should be a strange and gnarly adventure. How many times in your life can you do that?
Wednesday, March 20, 2019
The Big Snooze
The past two days have been extremely stressful because of work. At some point on Tuesday morning – around 3am – it struck me that what my colleagues were doing was not okay. It was tantamount to passive-aggressive bullying. There they were squirrelling away at a proposal thinking they had gotten all the control back over the revalidation. And the dean and Head of School had sent completely the wrong message – that it was okay to do that because you'll get what you want and get away with it.
On Tuesday I gave a lecture to the first years about what we were expecting from their first year branding presentations before waiting around for the SQLTC, where I voiced my dissatisfaction with the process. My manager Suzanne also feel as though she has been undermined and wronged by the process, so we're a bit stuck in all honesty. Because the decision came from above, we're both a bit powerless to do anything.
I went home early to try and get a nap after waking early, but couldn't find piece. I just felt fuming the whole time. I found myself being absorbed in my phone, unable to find peace – it even stopped me doing exercise though I defied that by going out at 8pm for a half hour run.
My colleague Julia text me to say she had met with Paul Gormley from 'the 11' who went through the proposal with her. This wound me up even more. The fact they had thought about it and that module titles existed and not shared them with anybody sent me round the bend. I didn't reply to Julia, who then called me after a while to check I was okay. I nearly did not call, but it is spinning me out.
I tried to go to bed early, but couldn't really sleep, so set up camp on the sofa. I drifted off, then woke up again around 2.45am. My mind was whirring still and I was up until 5am before finally drifting off and waking up around 8am. I sent an email to Suzanne expressing how annoyed I was and how we should talk about the situation, but then on walking to the university and listening to Jen Sincero I decided to say to myself, "So they have won. Well done them. Best to let it go."
I resolved this to myself in my mind. Admit defeat and try to carry on. I saw Jonathan Hardy in the corridor and barked a 'hi' at him (dick) before going to the workshop for CC6704. I saw Andrew Branch (another dick) talking to Julia and I ignored him. It was immature and I regret it but I really didn't know what to say to him. All of those people that signed the letter think it's okay to be hostile and mean to colleagues.
The students probably sensed I was down and they filled in their module feedback form. I'm not looking forward to the results after so many cancellations and ups and downs. I was going to go straight home but I stayed for a little bit and Suzanne forwarded me the plans from 'the 11'. Underwhelming. A list of generic module titles. And I thought... is this what we have been waiting for?
I cheered up when Helena from QA told me similar models had been kicked back by QA and this made me feel like I had a bit of power again. I went to see Julia and David Gray who had taken the third years after me, and we tried to help the Burger King group come up with an idea.
Julia and I stayed for coffee and we chatted and chewed and dissected all of the issues. I told her Simon had tol me to make a formal complaint, which she was shocked about. I just feel tired and fried. But most of all, I feel like UEL is distracting me from what my real focus should be. I was supposed to come back, relax and be able to enjoy my life a bit better. Instead it has been full on chaos. I don't think I can even deliver what they are asking in the time frame they are asking it.
And quite frankly, it serves management right for doing this.
I went into town at 6.30pm to see Thiago and met him at Joe the Juice. He's really handsome, but he only talked about business. It was a business meeting, but he didn't really seem to have a sense of humour and so it felt hard to 'vibe' off of him and know what to do. He kept talking about various business ideas or video concepts or content strategies, but I didn't really feel excited by them.
One thing that did come out of the meeting though is that I should just start committing to small things. Like social media - I've proved to myself I can do it, so I should make videos and photos and not be afraid to showcase the real me.
But I am frazzled. And this drama at UEL is 'fake news' compared to the rest of my life. I should be focusing on joy and purpose. Instead I'm going off at the deep end.
I think I will have a chat tomorrow about relieving myself of the responsibility of validation tomorrow at work. But for now I'm going to run a bath and have a glass of wine.
On Tuesday I gave a lecture to the first years about what we were expecting from their first year branding presentations before waiting around for the SQLTC, where I voiced my dissatisfaction with the process. My manager Suzanne also feel as though she has been undermined and wronged by the process, so we're a bit stuck in all honesty. Because the decision came from above, we're both a bit powerless to do anything.
I went home early to try and get a nap after waking early, but couldn't find piece. I just felt fuming the whole time. I found myself being absorbed in my phone, unable to find peace – it even stopped me doing exercise though I defied that by going out at 8pm for a half hour run.
My colleague Julia text me to say she had met with Paul Gormley from 'the 11' who went through the proposal with her. This wound me up even more. The fact they had thought about it and that module titles existed and not shared them with anybody sent me round the bend. I didn't reply to Julia, who then called me after a while to check I was okay. I nearly did not call, but it is spinning me out.
I tried to go to bed early, but couldn't really sleep, so set up camp on the sofa. I drifted off, then woke up again around 2.45am. My mind was whirring still and I was up until 5am before finally drifting off and waking up around 8am. I sent an email to Suzanne expressing how annoyed I was and how we should talk about the situation, but then on walking to the university and listening to Jen Sincero I decided to say to myself, "So they have won. Well done them. Best to let it go."
I resolved this to myself in my mind. Admit defeat and try to carry on. I saw Jonathan Hardy in the corridor and barked a 'hi' at him (dick) before going to the workshop for CC6704. I saw Andrew Branch (another dick) talking to Julia and I ignored him. It was immature and I regret it but I really didn't know what to say to him. All of those people that signed the letter think it's okay to be hostile and mean to colleagues.
The students probably sensed I was down and they filled in their module feedback form. I'm not looking forward to the results after so many cancellations and ups and downs. I was going to go straight home but I stayed for a little bit and Suzanne forwarded me the plans from 'the 11'. Underwhelming. A list of generic module titles. And I thought... is this what we have been waiting for?
I cheered up when Helena from QA told me similar models had been kicked back by QA and this made me feel like I had a bit of power again. I went to see Julia and David Gray who had taken the third years after me, and we tried to help the Burger King group come up with an idea.
Julia and I stayed for coffee and we chatted and chewed and dissected all of the issues. I told her Simon had tol me to make a formal complaint, which she was shocked about. I just feel tired and fried. But most of all, I feel like UEL is distracting me from what my real focus should be. I was supposed to come back, relax and be able to enjoy my life a bit better. Instead it has been full on chaos. I don't think I can even deliver what they are asking in the time frame they are asking it.
And quite frankly, it serves management right for doing this.
I went into town at 6.30pm to see Thiago and met him at Joe the Juice. He's really handsome, but he only talked about business. It was a business meeting, but he didn't really seem to have a sense of humour and so it felt hard to 'vibe' off of him and know what to do. He kept talking about various business ideas or video concepts or content strategies, but I didn't really feel excited by them.
One thing that did come out of the meeting though is that I should just start committing to small things. Like social media - I've proved to myself I can do it, so I should make videos and photos and not be afraid to showcase the real me.
But I am frazzled. And this drama at UEL is 'fake news' compared to the rest of my life. I should be focusing on joy and purpose. Instead I'm going off at the deep end.
I think I will have a chat tomorrow about relieving myself of the responsibility of validation tomorrow at work. But for now I'm going to run a bath and have a glass of wine.
Monday, March 18, 2019
I have a company
I woke up on the sofa this morning feeling apprehensive about going back to work after a week off, but I forced myself to get up, brush my teeth and get dressed because the very kind counsellor (Carole) at the clinic agreed to see me again for 9am. I hauled myself out the hosue quickly, picked up a coffee at the Coffee Lounge and then headed for the Trafalgar Clinic.
Unsurprisingly, Carole noticed the huge difference between me being in floods of tears last week and me speaking much more calmly and lucid than this week. She had written a letter to my GP saying I was having mood swings and thoughts of death. Both true. She was very worried as I had surmised correctly, but we spent some time talking about work, stress, how things got that way before tapping into... Relationships. She said I can actually treat you for relationships and I can keep seeing you for that. And so I have managed to get some free therapy on the NHS. She recommended a book on mindfulness for me, which is just great – I hope it will help.
I caught a bus thay went the long way round to North Greenwich and got to my office. Good to put in an appearance so that people could see I wasn't off indefinitely. I dropped in to see Helena and we bitched about the validation process. I cancelled a meeting, bitched more with my colleague Sylvie about how naive 'the cabal' (as she calls them) were being about the programmes. Suzanne range me – she's furious with the whole situation. And me? I did start to feel ever so slightly bullied and singled out by the situation. They are a bunch of very nasty people and sadly I've been caught in the moddle of it. I started to feel sorry for myself, typed out an email to Simon Robertshaw and decided not to send it.
David rang me and told me that I should just let it wash over me – that if they do the work then I should let them. And after he said that, I kind of stopped caring. I had already broken my back and my mental health by typing out a 90 page document – perhaps they could have a go, if they wanted to.
I had a meeting with Barking Enterprise Centre to talk about my social enterprise. Karen West-Whylie was really nice and very helpful – she said she was willing to help in any way possible. They offered me some space at the Young Entrepreneur's centre. She also gave me some advice on charging charities in a means-tested way then paying the young people who work for the agency. This seems like a really sensible business model and it also is becoming something much bigger. She showed me a tender for £100k and asked if I had considered applying. £100K?!
She said it seems like a lot when you're first starting but it's not. She then urged me to register my company as soon as possible to get the ball rolling.
On my way home from barking, i tried to think of various names like 'Creationary' or 'Vision8', but they had all been taken. So, instead of reinventing the wheel, I decided to try for my first choice – The Atelier Project. A recently dissolved company had the same name, but I'm hoping now the don't exist that I can steal it. So I just went for it – I registered a company in my own name!
I'm hoping I can use variations like Atelier Project LDN and Atelier Project NYC. It's flexible enough to accommodate the training for young people while also allowing my personal projects to come underneath it. I'm actually quite excited. If the name gets confirmed, I will buy the web spaces and away we go!
Thiago has been in touch with me regarding meeting up, as has Tracy Stringfellow from Royal Greenwich Heritage Trust. I plan to tell them both about my exciting company venture.
Unsurprisingly, Carole noticed the huge difference between me being in floods of tears last week and me speaking much more calmly and lucid than this week. She had written a letter to my GP saying I was having mood swings and thoughts of death. Both true. She was very worried as I had surmised correctly, but we spent some time talking about work, stress, how things got that way before tapping into... Relationships. She said I can actually treat you for relationships and I can keep seeing you for that. And so I have managed to get some free therapy on the NHS. She recommended a book on mindfulness for me, which is just great – I hope it will help.
I caught a bus thay went the long way round to North Greenwich and got to my office. Good to put in an appearance so that people could see I wasn't off indefinitely. I dropped in to see Helena and we bitched about the validation process. I cancelled a meeting, bitched more with my colleague Sylvie about how naive 'the cabal' (as she calls them) were being about the programmes. Suzanne range me – she's furious with the whole situation. And me? I did start to feel ever so slightly bullied and singled out by the situation. They are a bunch of very nasty people and sadly I've been caught in the moddle of it. I started to feel sorry for myself, typed out an email to Simon Robertshaw and decided not to send it.
David rang me and told me that I should just let it wash over me – that if they do the work then I should let them. And after he said that, I kind of stopped caring. I had already broken my back and my mental health by typing out a 90 page document – perhaps they could have a go, if they wanted to.
I had a meeting with Barking Enterprise Centre to talk about my social enterprise. Karen West-Whylie was really nice and very helpful – she said she was willing to help in any way possible. They offered me some space at the Young Entrepreneur's centre. She also gave me some advice on charging charities in a means-tested way then paying the young people who work for the agency. This seems like a really sensible business model and it also is becoming something much bigger. She showed me a tender for £100k and asked if I had considered applying. £100K?!
She said it seems like a lot when you're first starting but it's not. She then urged me to register my company as soon as possible to get the ball rolling.
On my way home from barking, i tried to think of various names like 'Creationary' or 'Vision8', but they had all been taken. So, instead of reinventing the wheel, I decided to try for my first choice – The Atelier Project. A recently dissolved company had the same name, but I'm hoping now the don't exist that I can steal it. So I just went for it – I registered a company in my own name!
I'm hoping I can use variations like Atelier Project LDN and Atelier Project NYC. It's flexible enough to accommodate the training for young people while also allowing my personal projects to come underneath it. I'm actually quite excited. If the name gets confirmed, I will buy the web spaces and away we go!
Thiago has been in touch with me regarding meeting up, as has Tracy Stringfellow from Royal Greenwich Heritage Trust. I plan to tell them both about my exciting company venture.
Same old pressures
Saturday was difficult... I woke up around 8am, but because I was hungover I knew I needed more rest. I watched Frasier on Channel 4, then drifted back off to sleep, awaking again around 10.40am. I tried to motivate myself to do things but it felt too hard – I did go forage for coffee though. I watched crap until around 12.30pm when I finally motivated myself to clean the flat.
Part of me is really impressed that I managed to declutter and clean. I even hoovered with my new hoover and marvelled - in one vacuum - how much dust was picked up from the carpet. For once in a very long time the flat feels 'clean', possibly because I know there is nothing to hide anywhere.
With all of the existential crises and pointlessness and absurdity it always goes back full circle. What would make you happy in your life right now? Which is basically, all that matters. Then I go back to making videos and photos and creative outlet and being famous and SOMETHING. And then I think of limited time and how i can achieve it and... Mind melt. Not good, especially because overwhelm is more likely to make me feel crippled than anything else.
My hangover kept me pottering around the house. I tried to nap several times, watched another 3 hour documentary on Andy Warhol and then I copied and pasted and meshed a lot of my PhD chapters together from a chapter I have to submit on theatricality and photography. Feeling shitty about it, I went to Sainsbury's, bought some mince and tomatoes and made a delicious spag bol. I started watching a series on Netflix called 'Losers', which was about people in the sports world who could perceived to be losers and what they did in the face of failure.
I then took a bath with Blue Fluffy Clouds Lush bubble bar while I watched the Losers on Canadian curling and decided to have an early night. My over-riding thought? punishing myself for no creative work...
On Sunday I started to feel the crippling nag of anxiety as soon as I got up: the one where it feels like you have rocks in your stomach and you don't want to get out of bed. So I had to take it slowly again, bought an Americano and an almond croissant, ate it slowly, watched more of 'Losers'...
Thinking an age had passed, it was probably only 9.30 when I did some more work and I focused on finsihing the book chapter. It didn't take me as long as I thought and I 'botched' something together. It is bad in some ways, as it is loosely held together with examples but being that it is already late I thought it was better to send something than have nothing at all. I will await their comments and revise accordingly over the summer.
Finishing at 11.30am, I left the house to go meet my friend Rachel and he boyfriend Phil in Brighton. On the journey over I spoke to my work colleague Julia Dane on the phone, which made me nervous about returning to work, and so on the train down I started getting anxious. However, I put on some relaxing music and daydreamed the rest of the way to the seaside.
I met Rachel and Phil in Pizza Express and had a sloppy giuseppe with a large glass of Soave. Although Rachel had called me to tell me they had argued in the morning, she decided she was fine and we started to have fun. We walked around, bout Phil's sister a birthday present (pot plant) and I bought some bath things from Lush.
We went to a cocktail bar called the Plotting Parlour, and I had a green matcha margarita that was very rich and complex. I told Phil about my colleagues at work and he said he thought their behaviour was outrageous. It is... I'm in a catch 22 – do I stick it out and rise in the ranks or just decide it's not worth it and look elsewhere for a job?
We moved onto a fairly ordinary pub where I drank Guinness (it is St Paddy's Day after all) and chatted to Phil's ex-girlfriend from years ago. We also met up with phil's sisters to go to a comedy night at the Komedia.
The night itself reminded me of Butlin's or somewhere similar, where we had reserved seating and plates like 'Nachos' on offer. We were sat right at the front and I was scared we would get picked on. The highlight of the night was, however, when a young comedian described himself as being mature at 24 years old and I burst out laughing, then the audience laughed. This threw him off his stride and he actually skipped the punchline. I shied away embarrassingly when he asked me if I had something to say, saying 'No, no, no, no...'
On the whole, they were not bellyachingly funny, but it was good to get out of the house and permit myself to let go and enjoy. We bought some gins in a tin from Tesco to drink on the train home. Phil fell asleep and Rachel and I got drunk! The train home seemed to speed by, and we arrived back in London around 11.20pm.
I just managed to get a DLR to Canning Town when Rachel called me crying – another fight with phil. I am worried about her – she can't live like this. She made the decision to sleep overnight on the sofa despite me telling her to come over, then I had to call an Uber because there were no more trains to Woolwich. I dragged my duvet and pillows to the sofa to fall asleep, hoping that 7 hours would be enough to sustain me.
Part of me is really impressed that I managed to declutter and clean. I even hoovered with my new hoover and marvelled - in one vacuum - how much dust was picked up from the carpet. For once in a very long time the flat feels 'clean', possibly because I know there is nothing to hide anywhere.
With all of the existential crises and pointlessness and absurdity it always goes back full circle. What would make you happy in your life right now? Which is basically, all that matters. Then I go back to making videos and photos and creative outlet and being famous and SOMETHING. And then I think of limited time and how i can achieve it and... Mind melt. Not good, especially because overwhelm is more likely to make me feel crippled than anything else.
My hangover kept me pottering around the house. I tried to nap several times, watched another 3 hour documentary on Andy Warhol and then I copied and pasted and meshed a lot of my PhD chapters together from a chapter I have to submit on theatricality and photography. Feeling shitty about it, I went to Sainsbury's, bought some mince and tomatoes and made a delicious spag bol. I started watching a series on Netflix called 'Losers', which was about people in the sports world who could perceived to be losers and what they did in the face of failure.
I then took a bath with Blue Fluffy Clouds Lush bubble bar while I watched the Losers on Canadian curling and decided to have an early night. My over-riding thought? punishing myself for no creative work...
On Sunday I started to feel the crippling nag of anxiety as soon as I got up: the one where it feels like you have rocks in your stomach and you don't want to get out of bed. So I had to take it slowly again, bought an Americano and an almond croissant, ate it slowly, watched more of 'Losers'...
Thinking an age had passed, it was probably only 9.30 when I did some more work and I focused on finsihing the book chapter. It didn't take me as long as I thought and I 'botched' something together. It is bad in some ways, as it is loosely held together with examples but being that it is already late I thought it was better to send something than have nothing at all. I will await their comments and revise accordingly over the summer.
Finishing at 11.30am, I left the house to go meet my friend Rachel and he boyfriend Phil in Brighton. On the journey over I spoke to my work colleague Julia Dane on the phone, which made me nervous about returning to work, and so on the train down I started getting anxious. However, I put on some relaxing music and daydreamed the rest of the way to the seaside.
I met Rachel and Phil in Pizza Express and had a sloppy giuseppe with a large glass of Soave. Although Rachel had called me to tell me they had argued in the morning, she decided she was fine and we started to have fun. We walked around, bout Phil's sister a birthday present (pot plant) and I bought some bath things from Lush.
We went to a cocktail bar called the Plotting Parlour, and I had a green matcha margarita that was very rich and complex. I told Phil about my colleagues at work and he said he thought their behaviour was outrageous. It is... I'm in a catch 22 – do I stick it out and rise in the ranks or just decide it's not worth it and look elsewhere for a job?
We moved onto a fairly ordinary pub where I drank Guinness (it is St Paddy's Day after all) and chatted to Phil's ex-girlfriend from years ago. We also met up with phil's sisters to go to a comedy night at the Komedia.
The night itself reminded me of Butlin's or somewhere similar, where we had reserved seating and plates like 'Nachos' on offer. We were sat right at the front and I was scared we would get picked on. The highlight of the night was, however, when a young comedian described himself as being mature at 24 years old and I burst out laughing, then the audience laughed. This threw him off his stride and he actually skipped the punchline. I shied away embarrassingly when he asked me if I had something to say, saying 'No, no, no, no...'
On the whole, they were not bellyachingly funny, but it was good to get out of the house and permit myself to let go and enjoy. We bought some gins in a tin from Tesco to drink on the train home. Phil fell asleep and Rachel and I got drunk! The train home seemed to speed by, and we arrived back in London around 11.20pm.
I just managed to get a DLR to Canning Town when Rachel called me crying – another fight with phil. I am worried about her – she can't live like this. She made the decision to sleep overnight on the sofa despite me telling her to come over, then I had to call an Uber because there were no more trains to Woolwich. I dragged my duvet and pillows to the sofa to fall asleep, hoping that 7 hours would be enough to sustain me.
Saturday, March 16, 2019
Relaxing into the unknown
I'm going to try and get this down while I still can, having come in at 1.40am after a few drinks.
I woke up quite early this morning - before 7am. The reason I know that is because I tried to watch RuPauL's Drag Race and had to wait until after then till it 'went live' on Netflix. I thought I might try to get another sleep before my doctor's appointment, but instead I restlessly lay about on the sofa until around 8.30am, when I started to get ready for my doctor's appointment. I left the house at 9.30am, when David rang me. He had taken the day off work and was very hungover, so we arranged to go for brunch at Milk in Balham after my appointment.
The tube ride seemed quite pleasant and I wondered if the citalopram had finally started doing its work. I got to Balham early, went to a few charity shops before signing in at the doctor's reception. When I was called, I nearly bumped into the doctor in the corridor as she tried to fetch me. Needless to say I was much calmer this week. I explained to her that I was really distraught and I'm sorry she saw me like that. The medication has helped with the anxiety attacks and now I'm thinking a bit more clearly. I have self-referred to the mental health centre in Greenwich and I have a phone appointment. We actually started to laugh and joke by the end of the appointment: I was telling her about my upcoming holiday to Madrid and she was telling me about her final medical exams. She handed me a feedback form to give on the way out and I marked her as 'outstanding' for everything - she really deserves it.
I met David for brunch and he was telling me about his new business – Keystone Capital. I'm very excited for him - it seems like the perfect time for David to be starting his own venture and I know this is going to be successful for him. He always has nerves about it, but he is thinking of the 'worst case scenario' - he will do great. I had a delicious eggs benedict with filter coffee and fresh orange juice. So satisfying.
Afterwards we went for curry on Brick Lane and had an all vegetarian menu including chana masala and tarka dall – two of my faves – washed down with two pints of Cobra beer. It was a perfectly civilised evening...
Until we decided to go for a cocktail afterwards in the speakeasy at the Breakfast Club. Rachel came to join us and there was a 30 minute wait, so we had an Aperol Spritz upstairs and then I had a lethal tequila cocktail downstairs. Paul asked me about Dil – am I speaking to her – and I said I still love her it's just she wants to live her path in life and I'm going in a different direction that she doesn't necessarily want to come on. So I am friends with her but we just can't be friends in the same way we were.
I guess it was always going to have to reach this stage.
After the cocktail we decided to go, except Rachel, David and I went to Batch Bar in Peckham via Uber for a final drink. I had another pint of beer (!) and Phil – the owner of the bar and Rachel's current beau – offered us an Irish whiskey tasting. So that was probably an equivalent to one shot of whiskey too.
It turns out the bartender that took the tasting is studying art at Goldsmiths and we discussed the problems between formalism and conceptualism, and how changing your mind as an artist is always bad, and where are the boundaries between technique (being 'good') and concept – how much should be taught and to what standard should artists expect to be. A couple called Kacey and Perry joined the table for a short time, but I only said hello to them before they left about 20 mins later. I decided to call a cab and a BMW picked me up. David was insanely jealous!
****
On a side note, since watching the Andy Warhol documentary, his advice to artists used to be 'Do Everything' – e.g. when you don't know what to do, just take the next step forward. To that end it is becoming clear to me that a live/work space is important, but rather than moving straight into 'the Atelier', I need to take the next step up. This is essentially a one bed flat with room to make photo and video work. That way I can start producing content and build a following as an artist while I develop the 'bigger plan' of the Atelier. I have seen some apartments in Peckham I would like to check out and this could be a good starting point through which to start experimenting and making work.
Watch this space...
Thursday, March 14, 2019
This house is clean
I woke up earlyish, around 8am, and pottered around the house. I decided not to exercise today, as I had been doing so well and I was fuzzy headed from several glasses of wine last night. I didn't have much time to think as the man from Clearabee came to take away my rubbish from the clutter at 9am. We luckily managed to get into the parking space in the back to haul all of the stuff downstairs. My old photography backdrops are gone, but they have been here for over two years and not been properly used.
I felt sorry for the weird man who had really yellow teeth and receding, monk-style head. I bid him a good day as he left and he said, "I'll have some kind of day at least." I felt quite sorry for him. At the very least I know that a positive attitude is part of being able to enjoy your life.
I went to the Coffee Lounge and bought a large Americano and almond croissant, and set about watching the remaining two episodes of Marie Kondo I hadn't watched yet to inspire me. However, it has been something of a lazy day. I lolled from room to room attempting to do things, but achieving little. I did buy a chest of plastic drawers and a new hoover, which means I've pretty much done everything on my declutter list now.
I packed up the remaining bags of rubbish and took them down to the bins, then I listened to lots of Alan Watts talking about Buddhism, consciousness and death. Eventually I fell asleep around 4pm, then woke up again around 5 since which time I have been pottering around the house again. I managed to finish my application to UnLtd for seed funding for my social enterprise and wrote some more of my 'theatricality' essay.
I ordered a chicken bhuna with mushroom rice and my bio-dad Peter called me to chat. I had messaged him on Monday to say I had been signed off with depression but I assured him I had been feeling okay. Listening to him talk, I realised it is in my nature to feel apathetic because it comes from his side of the family. I need to work hard to combat this.
I decided to watch part two of the Andy Warhol documentary and I listened to a piece of advice he used to give people who asked – just do anything. So, I thought, what is the next step on this journey? I started looking again at flats – any flats – in Peckham and east London and saw two in Peckham that could, at least, provide me with enough space to start doing more photography and video. I am going to book a viewing tomorrow.
Additionally, I think I might spend some time tomorrow thinking about what my 'focus' is. If I can focus on a massive declutter and achieve it by making it my primary aim, surely I can apply this to any other project. I can do this.
My follow up appointment is with the doctor tomorrow. I am hoping she will see positive progress.
I felt sorry for the weird man who had really yellow teeth and receding, monk-style head. I bid him a good day as he left and he said, "I'll have some kind of day at least." I felt quite sorry for him. At the very least I know that a positive attitude is part of being able to enjoy your life.
I went to the Coffee Lounge and bought a large Americano and almond croissant, and set about watching the remaining two episodes of Marie Kondo I hadn't watched yet to inspire me. However, it has been something of a lazy day. I lolled from room to room attempting to do things, but achieving little. I did buy a chest of plastic drawers and a new hoover, which means I've pretty much done everything on my declutter list now.
I packed up the remaining bags of rubbish and took them down to the bins, then I listened to lots of Alan Watts talking about Buddhism, consciousness and death. Eventually I fell asleep around 4pm, then woke up again around 5 since which time I have been pottering around the house again. I managed to finish my application to UnLtd for seed funding for my social enterprise and wrote some more of my 'theatricality' essay.
I ordered a chicken bhuna with mushroom rice and my bio-dad Peter called me to chat. I had messaged him on Monday to say I had been signed off with depression but I assured him I had been feeling okay. Listening to him talk, I realised it is in my nature to feel apathetic because it comes from his side of the family. I need to work hard to combat this.
I decided to watch part two of the Andy Warhol documentary and I listened to a piece of advice he used to give people who asked – just do anything. So, I thought, what is the next step on this journey? I started looking again at flats – any flats – in Peckham and east London and saw two in Peckham that could, at least, provide me with enough space to start doing more photography and video. I am going to book a viewing tomorrow.
Additionally, I think I might spend some time tomorrow thinking about what my 'focus' is. If I can focus on a massive declutter and achieve it by making it my primary aim, surely I can apply this to any other project. I can do this.
My follow up appointment is with the doctor tomorrow. I am hoping she will see positive progress.
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